Thursday, January 03, 2008

A hard transition for mother and daughter...

Over the holidays, our family took a little trip to San Antonio (I'll post some pics soon). Anyway, while in San Antonio, we had a rough time with my daughter, especially at night. She is used to sleeping in her own bed, in her own room, so noise of any sort disturbs her, sheet rustling, coughing, snoring, clanking of the trash trucks and street sweepers, etc... Well due to all the noise pollution, she slept like hell, getting up every couple of hours and the only way I could get her to sleep was to nurse her. I was a human pacifier! And ever since her fall off the couch a few weeks ago, she has just been obsessed with the "booby". She follows me around the house, "Mmmmmmm, Booby, booby, booby!" I was only nursing at nap times and bed times, but she was bugging me for it constantly! I had originally thought that weaning would happen as she lost the naps and so on. But she just hit this point where all she wanted was the boob, and I was sick of it! So, as of Dec. 31st, I cut her off, cold-turkey. I really felt like I needed my body back and she is 18 mos. old now and by no means really NEEDS the breast milk. It seemed like a good idea.

Hmmph! Good idea my ass! I have a seriously pissed off baby that isn't napping well, who is spending 90% of her time screaming and my boobs are not too happy either! Granted, the engorgement has been pretty low in comparison to Sept, when I was an idiot and forgot my breast pump when we left the kids with the folks for 3 days, THAT was MISERABLE!! I am still uncomfortable, but that isn't really the worst part... I just miss that time with her! It was a quiet time, a time for me to really take her in, look at her eyes, her lashes, her hair, her little fingers, her soft cheeks, and she was so peaceful! I still sit with her, give her a bottle and read or sing to her, but it isn't the same. She gets frustrated with the bottle and I can see why, the bottle, at least to a breastfed child, is cold and impersonal, and she just doesn't get it. That warmth and comfort has been taken away from her. She is hating this! I am hating this!

Do I plan to give in and return to breastfeeding? No. I am four days into this and I'm not going to start up again and have her or myself relive this, that would be shitty. Am I happy about my decision to do this? Not so much, but it's too late now. Bottles are a pain in the ass, it is so much easier to just pull up my shirt! Not to mention I will be nagged relentlessly at the doctor's office next week as they don't want babies over 18 mos to take bottles because it's bad for their teeth. But it's like SHIT, what am I supposed to give her? Sippies cups are not mastered yet and certainly are not soothing in any sense. I suppose I will just have to tell the docs to piss off, it wouldn't be the first time! I don't plan on keeping her on a bottle until she's 5, but let's wean one thing at a time!

Anyway, I just miss my baby. I miss that closeness and now that it is gone, I will NEVER get that back. Not that she and I won't be close, we are, but it is just that transition, giving up that bond, while trying to find another to take it's place. And right now it's hard because she's mad at me for taking away her "security blanket". I know it will all work out, I know mothers all over the world deal with this, and I know it will be fine. But for this moment, I'm sad, I'm sore, and I'm frustrated because she's frustrated, it just sucks! It's a helluva a way to kick off the New Year!

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