A hard transition for mother and daughter...

Over the holidays, our family took a little trip to San Antonio (I'll post some pics soon). Anyway, while in San Antonio, we had a rough time with my daughter, especially at night. She is used to sleeping in her own bed, in her own room, so noise of any sort disturbs her, sheet rustling, coughing, snoring, clanking of the trash trucks and street sweepers, etc... Well due to all the noise pollution, she slept like hell, getting up every couple of hours and the only way I could get her to sleep was to nurse her. I was a human pacifier! And ever since her fall off the couch a few weeks ago, she has just been obsessed with the "booby". She follows me around the house, "Mmmmmmm, Booby, booby, booby!" I was only nursing at nap times and bed times, but she was bugging me for it constantly! I had originally thought that weaning would happen as she lost the naps and so on. But she just hit this point where all she wanted was the boob, and I was sick of it! So, as of Dec. 31st, I cut her off, cold-turkey. I really felt like I needed my body back and she is 18 mos. old now and by no means really NEEDS the breast milk. It seemed like a good idea.

Hmmph! Good idea my ass! I have a seriously pissed off baby that isn't napping well, who is spending 90% of her time screaming and my boobs are not too happy either! Granted, the engorgement has been pretty low in comparison to Sept, when I was an idiot and forgot my breast pump when we left the kids with the folks for 3 days, THAT was MISERABLE!! I am still uncomfortable, but that isn't really the worst part... I just miss that time with her! It was a quiet time, a time for me to really take her in, look at her eyes, her lashes, her hair, her little fingers, her soft cheeks, and she was so peaceful! I still sit with her, give her a bottle and read or sing to her, but it isn't the same. She gets frustrated with the bottle and I can see why, the bottle, at least to a breastfed child, is cold and impersonal, and she just doesn't get it. That warmth and comfort has been taken away from her. She is hating this! I am hating this!

Do I plan to give in and return to breastfeeding? No. I am four days into this and I'm not going to start up again and have her or myself relive this, that would be shitty. Am I happy about my decision to do this? Not so much, but it's too late now. Bottles are a pain in the ass, it is so much easier to just pull up my shirt! Not to mention I will be nagged relentlessly at the doctor's office next week as they don't want babies over 18 mos to take bottles because it's bad for their teeth. But it's like SHIT, what am I supposed to give her? Sippies cups are not mastered yet and certainly are not soothing in any sense. I suppose I will just have to tell the docs to piss off, it wouldn't be the first time! I don't plan on keeping her on a bottle until she's 5, but let's wean one thing at a time!

Anyway, I just miss my baby. I miss that closeness and now that it is gone, I will NEVER get that back. Not that she and I won't be close, we are, but it is just that transition, giving up that bond, while trying to find another to take it's place. And right now it's hard because she's mad at me for taking away her "security blanket". I know it will all work out, I know mothers all over the world deal with this, and I know it will be fine. But for this moment, I'm sad, I'm sore, and I'm frustrated because she's frustrated, it just sucks! It's a helluva a way to kick off the New Year!

A Perfect Moment

It's not often that I find myself in one of those perfect moments, the kind you wish you could take a photo of so you could remember it forever. I had one of those today, so I guess writing about it is the next best thing to getting a picture! I don't really know what about this moment was more memorable than any other, but I was in my rocking chair, nursing the baby and getting her ready for her nap. We were in the house alone, Daddy and big brother were off on an errand, so everything was quiet and peaceful. While nursing she actually fell asleep. Normally this isn't the case, I usually put her down while she's still awake and she goes to sleep on her own, but she was extra tired after a couple of hours playing in the leaf pile I made! There was something wonderful about watching her sleep since I so rarely get to see it. She has been sleeping in her own room for the last 10 months. It gave me the opportunity to really look at her, the curve of her little ear, the tiny pink veins of her eyelids, the reddish blonde eyebrows and the black lashes that are the only remnant of the black hair she was born with, the soft roundness of her sweet little cheek, her beautiful, pouty lips, the way her little nostrils flare slightly when she breathes out. Did I mention the dimple of her knees, her soft, pudgy legs, her perfect little toes, her little fingers that knead on my chest when she nurses? She is just sheer perfection from the top of her strawberry blonde head to the tip of those sweet, little toenails! So I just sat there with her, leaving all the other things I had to do for another time. I feel that to ignore a time like that is to completely lose touch with what life is all about. It's about those little moments. And when I am 93 years-old, I want the memory of that peaceful, precious baby sleeping at my breast, not the memory of the dishes I should have done instead.

Breastfeeding and obscenity

So I was just reading on my Parent Center newsletter when I came across an article about the online directory "Facebook". Now I'm not signed up with Facebook, I'm a myspacer, but the article was annoying nonetheless. It seems as though Facebook is going through and deleting photos of breastfeeding mothers due to their obscenity rules. OK, what? Run that by me again?! Breastfeeding is breaking their obscenity rules? If I'm not mistaken there are pictures of scantily clad teenage girls showing WAY more boob than any breastfeeding mother on that site! These young women are allowed to post photos wearing teeny bikinis with their ta-ta's hanging out for the world to see in order to attract attention to themselves, but BREASTFEEDING is obscene. What the hell is wrong with people? I don't know, photo of a tender moment with a baby at the breast versus bikini clad youngster flaunting her wares, which one is more obscene? Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those uptight women that thinks breasts are bad. If a young women (over the age of 18 mind you) wants to expose her boobs on the internet, then so be it, I don't have a problem with that. What I have a problem with is this site is deleting photos of breastfeeding, but NOT deleting photos of girls in bikinis or girls with their cleavage all pushing out of their tops. I'm sorry, but if you're gonna get rid of the boob in one form, you gotta get rid of it in all forms. But they don't want to get rid of the bikini girls, because those photos attract young males and they get more people using their directory, but because some over-conservative buttheads got "offended" by the breastfeeding photos they're gonna pull them. It just makes me want to puke! As a breastfeeding mother, it really pisses me off when people are "offended" by breastfeeding. What is offensive about feeding a baby? It is a beautiful, natural thing. There is nothing sexual about a breastfeeding boob! There is really no difference between breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, bottom line, it is a mother nourishing a child, nothing more. And anyone who can't see that is a freakin' perv anyway! I personally find people who find breastfeeding offensive to be offensive. Anyone who thinks breastfeeding would be sexually arousing is obviously wound up too damn tight! Leave us breastfeeding mothers be, and go buy a damn Playboy so you can see some titties that are meant to arouse you! And Facebook, your moderators need to get a damn clue, either allow the breastfeeding photos or tank every shot of a woman with cleavage... fair's fair.

Comfort and Joy

My baby wails to wake the dead. I go to her, pick her up and hold her close. All of her tensions release as she exhales and relaxes against my body. Then she roots. Aahh, she's hungry. I put her to my breast and she looks at me with big blue eyes and I can see the slight curl in her lip as she tries to smile and nurse at the same time. I rub her silky hair and her eyes roll back with the same milk-drunk euphoria that her brother used to get when he nursed. All is well in the world as she is nourished and warm and happy. For a fleeting moment, she is again one with me, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood. She drinks her fill and drifts off to sleep, knowing with every fiber of her being that she is loved.