Monday, December 18, 2006

Hollywood Purse Dogs...please.

I was reading an article on Yahoo News about some poll over who the best and worst celebrity dog owners are. I guess Oprah was the best and Britney Spears and Paris Hilton were the worst. Actually, after reading the article, I was annoyed that such crap-ola is newsworthy and I was slightly ashamed that I read the whole thing. Frankly, I could give a hairy dog's butt about Britney, Paris or even Oprah. But the fact remains that I am slightly unnerved about this whole "Purse Dog" thing. What is UP with that? I am all for having a dog for companionship. My dog is the coolest dog ever and a wonderful companion, but I certainly would never use him to accessorize my outfits (unless you count the massive amounts of dog hair that end up ON my outfits!) Besides, if I tried to heave the 75-lb. Oatman over my shoulder I would probably end up in the ER with a hernia! And another thing, WHY would you want to have an accessory that is going to need to stop and take a dump at some point? Oh, I forgot, we're talking about rich folks here, they can afford to have someone else pick up little Snookie's "tootsie rolls" off the sidewalk. Now that's a job! "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "I clean up Paris Hilton's dog shit!" Now if that won't get you a date I don't know what will! So come on people, let's get real, walk your dog, love your dog, care for your dog, even pamper the hell out of your dog, but for cryin' out loud, if you want a new accessory that would go great with your outfit, try getting a brain!

Comfort and Joy

My baby wails to wake the dead. I go to her, pick her up and hold her close. All of her tensions release as she exhales and relaxes against my body. Then she roots. Aahh, she's hungry. I put her to my breast and she looks at me with big blue eyes and I can see the slight curl in her lip as she tries to smile and nurse at the same time. I rub her silky hair and her eyes roll back with the same milk-drunk euphoria that her brother used to get when he nursed. All is well in the world as she is nourished and warm and happy. For a fleeting moment, she is again one with me, flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood. She drinks her fill and drifts off to sleep, knowing with every fiber of her being that she is loved.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Bah Humbug!!

I am a member of a local mother's group and it is a wonderful thing! Most of the members are really great, down-to-earth women with a great outlook on life and child-rearing. However, in every group there always has to be a couple of spoil-sports and our group is no exception. Recently the threads have entertained thoughts of Christmas and Santa Claus and the such. One of the moms had a major mishap with the kiddos finding the mother lode of loot. She was quite distraught and wanted some advice how to handle it as her children are still young and still get visited by Santa. There were many helpful ideas how to deal with this faux pas and still keep the spirit of Santa alive (all quite ingenious ideas at that!). But out of the helpful ideas and words of support from most of us came the post that slammed her for "lying" to her children about Santa. From what I understand, this woman feels it is wrong to lie to your kids and dangerous for them to have trust in a stranger who, for all intense purposes, breaks into your home and leaves treats. Wow! That had never even crossed my mind! Probably because I am not totally paranoid!

I firmly believe that "lying" is a strong word when it comes to Santa or the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny. These are all great traditions of storytelling that go back for generations! And what is so damn wrong with your child believing in something fun and magical? It won't last forever, at some point they will catch on, like all of us did and yes, they may be a little disappointed for a time, but then they might just look back and appreciate the effort that we as parents put forth to make life a little more fun and a little more memorable! In fact, I remember the day I learned the truth about Santa, but was I angry or dismayed that my parents had let me believe? Of course not! I was in 4th grade and pretty close to figuring it out anyway! I remember walking into the house with leftover boxes of Santa loot in my hands and my mother looking shocked! So we got it out in the open and had a good laugh about it! However, the spirit of Santa existed even after I learned that the jolly, fat, man that rode reindeer and squeezed down chimneys was a myth. There are still Santa gifts under our tree. Usually the fun and frivolous gifts that bring a smile to your face!

So will I continue to hang stockings with care? Will I have my son write a note telling Santa of his wishes? Will we leave cookies for the jolly, old elf and oats and carrots for the reindeer? Absolutely! After all, what fun is life without a little magic? As for the woman on my list, I feel bad for her. Life must be terribly dull and unfulfilling when you can't see the wonderment of the world and the enchantment of childhood. Children are slapped in the face with the harsh realities of this world soon enough. So why not let them dream in their short-lived time of innocence?

I think Bill Cosby must be right.

As I have stated, I have an almost 5 y.o. son and he is without a doubt the most awesome thing in the world! He is beautiful and smart and funny and SERIOUSLY annoying! I feel awful as a mother saying this about my child, but it's the truth! He hasn't always been annoying, in fact the annoyance-level didn't reach a critical capacity until a month or two ago. It was like a switch was triggered in his little head and all he can do now is make noise. He sings, he "RRRAAAHHHS", he talks to himself, he talks to me CONSTANTLY about things that make no sense! All of this puts me in such a predicament though. He drives me clear up the wall on a daily basis, but I certainly do not want to discourage him from singing (it isn't often you find a little boy this young that can actually carry a tune!) and I love that he wants to talk to me and that he has a vivid imagination, but dear lord if this child doesn't learn how to shut his pie-hole on occasion I may have to flail myself out of the second-story window! It all makes me remember what Bill Cosby said about kids having brain damage! I have to tell my son at every meal that we DO NOT sing at the table, but does he remember that at the next meal? No. So I once again have to remind him that we DO NOT sing at the table. I find it odd that he can remember what we did at his grandparents' house 2 years ago, he remembers everything about meeting my hairdresser's 12 y.o. son 4 months ago, but he can't remember that I told him not to sing at the table 3 hours ago! Is it just a glitch in the pre-school mind? Or have they already learned selective listening? I personally think in my case that it is some wonderful karmic payback! I seem to recall my parents constantly telling me to be quiet and that I talked too much. In fact, a few people in my life would still concur that I have the gift of gab. So I suppose the boy comes by it honestly and I should cherish it, after all, once he's a teenager the last thing he's going to want to do is talk to me!

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Diapers...don't get me started!

As is probably obvious, I am a mother. A mother to an almost 5 year old son and a 5 month old daughter. Now when I had my daughter (4 1/2 years after having my son) I was amazed at the advances in baby gear!! The strollers are so much more versatile and light weight, the diaper bags now look like hip Gucci bags, the carseats have side impact protectors, you name it, they probably have it. But here is the odd thing, there has obviously been no advances in diapers. In fact, I am pretty sure that disposable diapers of today are hardly better than the ones used in the 70's!! How do I know this?? I know this because my beautiful, sweet, precious baby girl shoots crap straight up the back of her outfit at least every other day!! Why? Because diapers are not fitted around the top! Not to say that the fittings around the legs don't leak, cause they do, but for some reason all it takes is for the child to be sitting in any upright position when said poop happens and instead of being absorbed or dispersing in the lower part of the diaper, it shoots straight up the back, over the top and soils that sweet, pink and frilly onesie (at the most inopportune time, of course)! i just find it odd that we can make cars that can park themselves, but we CANNOT seem to make a diaper that can actually contain baby shit!! It's not like there isn't a market for such an item. Ask any haggard mother who has been in a restaurant or store and picked up her adorable child only to realize that not only the child, but the carseat and herself are covered in poop and I'm sure she would tell you in no uncertain terms that she would practically KILL to have a diaper that worked! But I don't think it will be something that I will see in my lifetime. Diaper companies don't feel the need to truly improve the diaper since we will buy them regardless. I mean what else are we gonna do? I suppose I could use cloth diapers, maybe they actual contain biohazardous waste better than disposables, but then there is the downside of having to wash them!! It is bad enough washing the nasty, poo-stained onesies! I would surely wretch if I had to wash cloth diapers! So the cycle will continue, I will continue using disposable diapers, and my daughter will continue ruining onesies and that will be my life until she learns how to poop in a toilet! we go!

Well, here I am in the land of blog. I'm not exactly sure why I feel the need to be here. Obviously, I have spent the last 30-something years observing the world around me, but as of late, I feel the need to just write it down. I mean really, life is just too weird or pathetic or aggravating or incredible to just let it pass by without mention. I will probably write some stuff that will make you laugh, possibly make you cry and most definitely piss some of you off. But before you get all incensed and shoot me a nasty comment, please take the time to reflect and ponder why I have pissed you off. Is it because I have said something terrible and untrue? Or is it because I hit the nail on the head and hit a nerve in the process? So away we go! Come along for the ride if you like, but this blog is like a taxi, you can get off anytime you please!