Yesterday was kind of hard.

A little background... my husband and children and I are planning a trip to our family's cabin in Ruidoso. We would love to take a "real" vacation (Oregon, Hawaii, Mexico...), but just don't have the funds. Which is alright, the cabin is actually a little piece of heaven and I never regret going there. The air is fresh, filled with the scent of pine, the weather is mild (especially in comparison to central TX), and it has a huge deck where we put out peanuts, birdseed, hummingbird feeders and corn out on the lawn to attract as much local wildlife possible. So although not a fancy or exciting vacation, it is usually rejeuvenating.

We are going to drop the kiddos off with my in-laws in order for hubby and I to have some much needed time alone (I haven't been alone with him for longer than a couple of hours since the birth of our daughter a year ago!). They will then deliver the children to the cabin after a couple of days so we can have the "family" portion of our vacation. Well, my mom wanted to come down for the day or two to see the kids. I don't blame her, I know she misses them, and I'm thrilled that she will do anything possible to see the kids if they are close. However, I admitted to her that I was having a bit of a selfish streak and that I really wanted to have some of the time at the cabin with just me, hubby and kids. We have not had a vacation with just us for at least 2 years. Needless to say, her feelings were hurt and I felt like an asshole. I don't want to be a jerk, I don't want to deprive her of time with her grandchildren, but yet, if we were going to Oregon or Hawaii or wherever, anywhere but NM, this would have never been an issue. But since we will only be 3 hours away, it is much harder for her to accept. I DO plan on taking the children to ABQ for Balloon Fiesta in Oct. so it won't be long until she sees them. So she has agreed not to come, but I know it has made her very unhappy and I hate that! She is the last person I want to hurt as she is the only biological parent I have that gives a shit about me and my kids. And although she can drive me crazy sometimes (as I'm sure I can drive her mad too), I still love her and don't want to make her sad. She also said something that dug me to the bone when she called me back last night. Well, she wanted to let me know that she wasn't mad, just disappointed, which I understand. But she also said that she probably took it hard because it was the first week of August many years ago that she found out her grandparents had been killed and she would never see them again. So I think there was that pang, that you never know when the day will come when you're no longer here and she wants as much time as possible with us.

I don't know, the whole damn thing was hard. I feel strongly about wanting some time with just MY little family, yet I don't want to exclude my mother either. I do my very best though to make sure that grandparents on both sides get as much time as possible with the kids. My mom did say that she never wanted me to feel obligated and she didn't want me to have to justify my reasons for wanting certain things, but that is so much easier said than done when you know that justified or not, telling her not to come and see her grandkids is going to break her heart. It sucks to be me today!