Difficult decisions.

It is happening again, I am being faced with one of the most difficult decisions of my life. My 16 y.o. cat, Miriam, is not doing well. She was diagnosed with cancer last year and underwent surgery to remove a large mass from her back foot. They ended up having to amputate one of her toes in order to get a good margin. I was told the cancer was aggressive and although they felt confident that they got a good margin, there was still possibility of re-growth. After the surgery, things just seemed to start going downhill quickly. Her temperament is not the same, it almost seems as though she is suffering from some form of dementia or senility. It didn't take long for the cancer to start re-growing, and this time it is obviously having neurological effects. Her back has strange spasms, her feet wig out for no apparent reason and it is obvious that when I touch her, it just causes all sorts of neurological distress. She can be sound asleep and start growling then wake up suddenly and start attacking her affected foot! It is scary to watch, and she attacks it with such vigor and tears it up and makes it bleed. It breaks my heart! She is still eating, drinking and using the litter box, so as far as I know, her internal functions are normal, but she just seems miserable and in pain constantly. She wants to be near, but you can't pet her as it causes pain and irritation, she yowls in the night. The vets gave me pain meds, but they don't seem to work. Surgery is not an option as amputation of the entire leg would be the next step and I just don't feel that kind of surgery is fair to a 16 y.o. cat. If this were happening when she was 4 it would be another story. But at this point, we have no idea how much the cancer has metastasized. It may be that it has metastasized into other areas and this is why she has the nervous ticks and strange neurological symptoms. Bottom line... she is in obvious pain every day. She limps through the house, she doesn't enjoy affection any longer and does what she can to stay hidden away. I occasionally get a moment with her, where she seems alright, but it is usually short-lived. The petting and purring quickly become hissing and growling.

Making the decision to euthanize an animal is the WORST thing I have ever had to do. I have had to do this twice already over the last 3 or so years and both times SUCKED. How do you look into the eyes of a beloved friend and allow someone to take their life? But on the other hand, how can you allow that beloved friend to suffer through a horrible existence? I have had pets all my life, so death is nothing new to me. I have had to euthanize various critters, rats, ferrets and recently my 21 y.o. cat and my 15 y.o. dog. Every incident was horrible and left me questioning if I did the right thing. Did I jump the gun? Did I wait too long? Would they have made the choice if they were in my shoes? Would I have wanted to be euthanized if I had been in their position? And I know as a humans, we have a tendency to project our emotions and feelings onto our animals. We have an innate fear of death, so therefore we assume that our animals do to. But is that the case? I highly doubt they fear death as we do because they don't have anxiety and fear over the unknown, they are most likely not as aware of death as they tend to live in the moment. Do they even realize that they could be dead next week? They don't have things to accomplish or get in order before they die. It happens when it happens. Does this make my decision any easier? I'm afraid not. I am so used to this furniture-scratching, hairball-hacking, grumpy, little tabby that it is hard for me to imagine my life without her. And not only that, my son adores her. He doesn't yet understand her pain, and all he wants to do is love on her, which she tolerates with as much grace as she can muster. He will miss her so badly. He tells me all the time how much he loves his kitty and how he wants her to be with him forever. I'm sure he can't imagine life without her as she has been around all his life!

So here I sit, weighing my options. Trying not to project my human emotions and anxiety onto her. Trying to judge whether this is a good day for her or a bad day. Is her struggle to endure the pain too much? Is she still happy to be with us, or is she just tired and wanting to rest for good. I look at that sweet little face, with those big-green eyes, her trademark "M" on her forehead (hence the name Miriam), her fat, saggy, belly that is exactly the color of caramel and it absolutely kills me to think of life without her. Once she is gone, it will be the end of an era for me. All of the pets that came to me in high school and college will be gone. She is the last of the old mainstays in my life, besides my hubby and my mother! I don't want her to suffer, but I don't want to let her go either! There is almost nothing more wonderful than the love of an animal, nothing quite so unconditional, they don't expect you to "be" anything in particular, just a warm, kind body to snuggle with. It really is unfair that they have such short lifespans. Good friendships like this should be able to last a lifetime!