It's all fun and games until the 6 y.o. loses!

Monkey Man got loads of new games for Christmas, really fun ones like MouseTrap, Cranium Kids and Operation! One of the things I promised myself this year was to have one night a week for "Family Night", no TV, no chores, just family. We can have a game night, play Putt-Putt, go to a movie, go on a hike, find volunteer work, I don't care just so long as we are all together and doing something besides wasting brain cells and precious time in front of the television! We decided to do a game night last night, so I bathed the Piggle Wiggle and got her ready for bed, then I came down to have fun with Big Daddy and the Monkey Man! I felt a little bad that Piggy wasn't included, but she had a rough day and was REALLY cranky and tired. Anyway, Monkey Man chose MouseTrap. I had to read all the directions as I've forgotten over the years how to play, but we got everything figured out and started. It was fun. We laughed. I was the first to get my mouse "trapped" and there was much giggling and finger-pointing at my expense. But I laughed and proceeded to watch Big Daddy work his mojo. Before we knew it, Monkey Man's mouse was trapped and the game was over. I started clearing the board for another go, when I noticed it...

The Look.

Eyes slightly glistening, cheeks sucked in, lips quivering and I realized that my 6 year-old was about to lose it! I asked him what was wrong. He said he didn't want to lose, he didn't like it. I explained to him that in every game there are winners and there are losers and generally speaking, only one person can win. Then his father explained that the true measure wasn't winning or losing but being a good sport and playing the game well. I also explained that no one likes to play with a sore loser, it ruins the game and the fun for everyone. So I asked if he wanted to play again and he agreed. Play was again genial and we were all having fun. Then it came, I had him in a spot to catch his mouse, but for some reason the mousetrap malfunctioned 3 times so Big Daddy thought the Monkey should get a free pass. I agreed and therefore ended up losing the game to my son, who was exuberant and jumping all over and yelling, "I won, I won! Hahaha!" He was close to doing a touchdown dance. Big Daddy then explained that technically he tied with me, since truly, the mousetrap should have worked and he would have lost. Then it came again...

The Look.

To be honest, I'm not sure where this level of competitiveness came from. I mean he is homeschooled, he isn't competing for time, for toys, for attention 8 hours a day! But, in all likelihood, this has nothing to do with his situation and everything to do with his age. Maybe it's just par for the course that 6 and 7 year-olds have not learned how to master their emotions enough to lose with grace. So, I will keep playing games with him, I will keep reinforcing the value of good sportsmanship and hopefully he will eventually get that it is all about having fun and spending time with people you love! After all, I'd lose a thousand times, if it meant I got to play every game with him. Unless it's Scrabble, then I'll kick his ass!

Bathroom etiquette

So I really didn't mean to have my mind in the toilet today, but it just seems like the topic won't go away! I took the Monkey Man over to my friend Amy's house for our weekly science co-op. As we were about to load up in the car to go home, I am informed by the Monkey Man that he needs to poop. Such impeccable timing! So we went back in and I helped Amy clean up a little more while the boy did his thing. He finishes, we say our good-byes and out the door we go. Well about 6 blocks after we left I thought to ask him if he had flushed. To which I was told, much to my great horror, that he had not! Seriously!?!?! I am at my wits end here! For months I have gently reminded him to flush, I have yelled at him to flush, I have threatened to take toys away if he doesn't flush, but NOTHING seems to make an impact! So, at this moment, his is in the kitchen writing, "I will flush when I poop." twenty-six times. Then I'm going to make him write an apology to Amy for dropping a deuce in her crapper and not flushing! I am wondering if this will have any impact whatsoever on his actions. I guess only time will tell. But I swear, if I open up the toilet one more time to find an unflushed present, I may have to give him a swirly!

To be a mother...

It's been a little over 6 years since I embarked on the path of motherhood. Six years of joy, six years of tears, but never once have I EVER looked back. At the beginning, I just did what it took to get myself and my son through each day. Your are in shock from childbirth and the daunting responsibility of another life, things are so hectic. The next thing you know, your child is 6 months-old and you have completely forgotten what life was like before a baby. That is one of the miracles associated with motherhood, complete overload of mind and body, to keep you jumping, leaving you very little time for fear and regret!

I'll be the first to admit, parenthood was not in my grand plan. I never babysat as a teenager, I didn't have younger siblings or cousins, in fact, I was not fond of children (to put it mildly). Kids were annoying things in restaurants, airplanes and grocery stores, but luckily they were someone else's problem. Then I had my son and became blatantly aware that the one thing I thought I never wanted in my life was the one thing that actually made me whole. How does that happen? However it happens, motherhood seems to have a knack for taking all of your preconceived notions about life and kicking them square in the ass!

And what have I learned over the last 6 years? Mostly I have learned to eat crow! I have learned never to say never! I have learned that it's almost an addiction, you fall so head-over-heels in love with your first that you just have to do it again! So blissfully entrenched in the idea of that sweet little child that your forget the about the vomiting and the belly and the swollen ankles, you forget about the sleepless nights waiting for test results, you forget the pain of childbirth and the sleep deprivation that follows. All you can think of is that wonderful smelling little bundle comfortably nestled against your breast and nothing else in the world matters. Due to this addiction, I have learned that two children are exponentially harder than just one child! Which leads me to a whole new level of respect for the mother who has 3 or 4 or 6! I have learned patience, not just for my children, but for myself and for other mothers and children. There is a sisterhood amongst mothers that I never knew existed and while we may not all agree how to raise children, we do agree that every once in awhile we all need help and understanding, even if that help is just simply holding a crying baby for 10 minutes to give her Mommy a break, or reassuring a mother of 6 year-old that her son is perfectly normal and absolutely will NOT grow out of it until his twenties! I have learned that you never stop learning!

I am still learning... everyday.

I am learning that I cannot do everything on my own. No matter what I think, I am NOT Superwoman! My house will never be clean as long as 2 children, a husband and a dog live in it. I am learning to get over the guilt of not bringing in an income and still asking my husband for help when he comes home after a hard day's work. I am learning to pick my battles, with my children and my spouse and myself! And most importantly, I learn something about myself through my children everyday. I see who I am and who I hope to be. I know I am not perfect, I know my children are not perfect, I know I want to be a good mother who raises healthy, happy, well-adjusted children and I learn everyday that there are things I could do differently, but usually my instincts are right on and I should follow my gut. I have learned that I need to look toward the future and be aware of my impact on the environment, what I do today effects my childrens' lives tomorrow, however, I am still learning that I also need to live in the moment because the daily drudge IS life. It's not the trips to Sea World or the "big game" or graduations, it is our everyday interactions and actions that are the very basis of our existence. To forget that is losing sight of what is real. And believe me, it's that real, everyday interaction that makes life worthwhile. The quick glimpses of happy children jumping on a trampoline, the kisses blown from a sleepy baby in her crib, the small triumph of learning the multiples of 4, the family centered around a paper plate full of strawberries, bananas and grapes enjoying each other's company, that's life, and that's what I constantly have to remind myself. It happens so quickly and if you're not careful you'll miss out on the most precious moments!

I can say without a doubt that my journey into motherhood has been a trip! I feel like I've learned so much, yet I still feel like a rookie! I do feel like all the sacrifices I have made, my husband has made and my family has made are worth it. My kids are a noble endeavor, my contribution to the future and my greatest achievement thus far. They give me pride and humility. They give me hope yet keep me grounded. They give freely the purest most innocent love there is and for that I am eternally grateful. So, I look to my future, one day at time, reveling in every sweet baby kiss, every terrible knock-knock joke, every crooked smile, and always knowing that this little slice of history and humanity is mine to have and hold and embrace. This is my life, my children and my moment to live and what a wonderful thing that is!

Happy Mother's Day to all the women out there who have ever worn the many hats of "mother"!

So what's my real problem?

OK, the fence thing has me pissed, but to be honest, I think it was just a gateway to other things that piss me off. Why does the fence piss me off so bad? It's because it's just another thing about that backyard that is worthless. It is a flat, desolate piece of land with some funky mish-mosh of grass and weeds, with one puny and probably dying maple tree, an overgrown, ugly ligustrum bush, a hacked-up, dead vine (looked like a grape, but never produced fruit) and a hackberry tree that is right in the fence line, not to mention the cracked concrete slab of a porch that tends to grow more grass than the yard! It is nothing but a gigantic, fire ant infested, dog shitter! How inviting! Makes you want to rush right out and enjoy it, right? OK, so it's ugly and useless, is that what pisses me off? A little. But what really pisses me off is that I cannot let my children go out and play. They will either step in dog shit, get stung by fire ants or get fried in the sun! This whole scenario wouldn't be as annoying to me if I felt I could let my kiddos run around outside in front of the house. But the only way that is even feasible is if I am with them. Even though my son is almost 6, I cannot justify leaving him alone in front of the house. I hear of incidents all the time, in fact one was posted to my mom's group today, about people trying to get little kids into their cars or to leave with them. Now I've gone over stranger danger with my son, but he is so friendly and knows so many of our neighbors, I think he would have a hard time distinguishing between someone he knows and someone who would want to take him. I spent the majority of my childhood running around outdoors like a fiend! I was able to run down the street to a neighbor's house or play out in my driveway. My mom didn't have to hang out with me every second, so long as I stayed where I told her I'd be. But the climate has changed, it isn't safe to leave your youngsters outside alone. Not only that, but in a year or so, he will be of an obvious school age and although most of my closer neighbors know we homeschool, if he was running around out front during school hours, I'd end up with a visit from the local truancy officer, which I seriously don't need. So I am desperate to get this yard functional. Children NEED to be outside. Someplace where they are safe, but can explore and play and run amok. I hate having them cooped up in the house, and sometimes I HATE having to drive someplace in order to have a safe environment for them to play! Mostly since pretty soon gas is going to get so damn expensive that we're going to have to start walking everywhere! I really need to win the lotto!

What 's a mother to do?

As most of you know, I have a 5 1/2 y.o. son. He is without a doubt the light of my life and in all honesty a really good kid. I am always getting compliments about how polite he is, how sweet and caring he is and of course what beautiful curly locks he has (he gets that from me!). But as we near the tender age of 6, I can tell there are some serious changes on the horizon. It is obvious that he is really beginning to see himself as a separate and free-thinking entity. Which in the general sense of things is good. I mean this is our job right? To raise our children to be healthy, cognitive beings that can navigate through the vast sea of crap we refer to as life. We hope we arm them well with strong values, humanity and a consciousness about the world around them. However, in order to accomplish this task, we have to let go, give up some of the control and holy shit... that's hard!

As of late, I find myself nagging at him. Nagging about stupid shit! You know, flushing the toilet after he poops, not taking toys away from his sister, not making horrible gagging sounds in the back seat, not swinging on the stair bannisters, not constantly trying to get his baby sister to say words like poop, butt, booby and pee-pee (I mean seriously, how many other words are in the English language for him to teach her, but NOOOO, he wants her to say poo-poo in the restaurant!) So I call him on these behaviors, but I call him on these things DAILY! Seriously, I have told this child and yelled at this child to "FLUSH THE TOILET WHEN YOU POOP" everyday since he learned how to use the potty at age 3! He is 5 1/2 now that is over 2 years, so I have re-iterated this rule at least 912 times!!!! What is it in the 5 y.o. brain that makes it impossible to remember these simple things? I mean he can remember what he did 2 years ago at Balloon Fiesta in ABQ, or what he did at Nana's shop 4 visits ago, but he CANNOT for the life of him remember to flush the pot! So I am starting to feel like one of those nagging mothers you see at the grocery store constantly bitching at her kids. I desperately don't want to be THAT mother! But then again, what happens if I neglect to call him on these things? Will he lose his respect for me, will he feel that if he does something long enough, I'll just finally cave and he'll get his way regardless? I know I may sound like a Nazi, but I do not cut that kid slack. I'm not a terribly strict parent, but I do believe that there are certain rules that make co-habitating with your family easier and you must follow them, not to mention rules of conduct when engaging in life outside the home. And when he doesn't abide by these there are consequences. His sister will be held to the same standards. But I do hate being that naggy, bitchy mom. I want my kids to remember me as someone they had fun with, not someone that bitched at them all the time. So, I'm at a loss. Do I ease up and accept the fact that this is the beginning of him becoming an individual being with thoughts and feelings of his own, or do I stay diligent and work to make sure he follows through with direction and understands consequences? I'm just really not sure what the happy medium is here.

Spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a spider can...

My son got a Spiderman suit from his grandparents while we were on vacation. Now he has agreed that he doesn't want to be Spiderman for Halloween, he wants to be a robot (we're excited about that!) Anyway, since he received this suit he has been in it non-stop! I don't know why I bother to buy clothes for him as all he wants to wear is that silly suit. Now I'm thrilled that he enjoys the suit, and he is definitely getting his money's worth out of it, but for the love of PETE!!! For some reason when he is suited up, he is a PUNK! He does all sorts of crazy crap that he knows he shouldn't do. Climbing on the stair bannisters, jumping out of the window seat onto the couch or our bed, trying to climb walls, putting his feet on the walls and generally bouncing around and all over and up and down and rolling on the ground with a constant barrage of "tsseew, tseeew" noises accompanied by web-slinging wrist action. It is truly enough to drive you out of your mind! And of course all he is interested in talking about is Spiderman, Tarantula, Venom, Sandman, The Green Goblin, etc... Oh well, I'm sure this is just a phase, and I probably did the same sort of thing when I was 5, but holy cow, if he doesn't quit firing webs at me when I tell him to do something, his new super hero name is gonna be "Time-Out Boy"!

Shots!

It was my baby's 15-month check-up today and you guessed it... SHOTS! I LOATHE shot days. She got three shots and they stuck her finger to get blood. I could hear her screaming all the way in the waiting room, where I was trying my best to comfort my son who also got two shots! Lucky for him, this is it. Other than possible flu vaccines, he is done with boosters and whatnot until he's 11 or so. Anyway, I got to leave the doctor's office with two crying kids and an extreme desire to punch someone! I know vaccines are necessary, but that still doesn't keep me from wanting to pommel anyone who causes pain to my babies! I am lucky that my hubby comes to the shot appointments and he deals with the actual deed. I just deal with the comfort and hugs afterward. But shots still suck ASS!

Down into the abyss.

So we took my 5 1/2 year-old son to Schlitterbahn yesterday. For those of you who don't know, it is the Mecca of waterparks. We had never been and we have promised the boy all summer we would do something special with just him. So we dropped baby sister off with friends and picked up a friend of ours and her 2 kids and headed out for a day of fun. We had a great time, our son opted out of the Master Blaster as he was a little scared, but rode most everything else with me or his Daddy. However, there was one ride, on the old side of the park, that we didn't realize until we got up to the top that it was "One Person At A Time---No Exceptions" kind of ride. Oh crap! Just to clarify, my son is a WEEEEEEEEEEEE-ner, he can't even ride the baby coaster at Sea World without crying! Now I admit, up until this point, he did fairly well with all the rides, BUT he was accompanied by a parent. So I'm stressing, he's freaking and I send my friend down first so she would be there to retrieve him. I sat him down on the slide (you are supposed to sit and wait for a small wave to push you down). As he's waiting, he is turning around, grabbing at my arms, crying and begging for me not to make him go. But shit, what could I do, we were at a point of no return!! The ride was NOT one of the big scary ones, but it WAS solo! Anyway, the wave hits, and with every bit of inner strength I had, I shoved my little boy down the slide. Then I watched as my horror-stricken, crying, pleading child wnet sliding around the curve into the unknown... by himself! It only took a few seconds, but in those few seconds, my heart broke and tears welled up in my eyes. All the people around me were looking at me like I was psycho, I don't know if it was because I shoved my kid down the slide, or because I was crying about it, either way, they could kiss my ass! Luckily, I was informed that by the time he rounded the final curve he was happy and splashed into the landing area with a big smile. Wish I could have witnessed that instead! When I reached the bottom I hugged him and told him I was sorry for pushing him down the slide. He said it was alright, that he was scared at first, but then he realized it was pretty fun. I still think his therapist is going to be hearing about this in the future... "I remember the day my mother shoved me, terrified, down that stupid slide at Schlitterbahn! I was never the same after that!" I hope my mom is right, she thinks maybe that will go a long way with him learning to trust that I would never send him down something that was that scary. And maybe he'll be a little braver in those kind of circumstances, who knows? All I know is I'M going to have to be the one talking to the therapist soon as it KILLED me to have to shove my baby down into the unknown abyss!

I guess it's for real now!

So it dawns on me this morning that homeschooling is a reality now. My son is 5 1/2 and technically should be enrolling in kindergarten this year. But if that were my choice, I would have enrolled him yesterday and he would be starting school in two weeks. Enrollment did not happen, shopping for school supplies is not on my to-do list and we blissfully continue our daily lives, which will include his reading lesson in a bit and his math work. I have really buckled down in the last couple of weeks. We took a break from things to celebrate his baby sister's birthday and to travel to NM to visit family, but when we got back, we jumped right back into it. I am more focused and more organized. I have him in a little science co-op (messy science experiments and fun stuff like that) and we are diligently taking one day a week to go to the library for him to pick out new readers. He seems to like this.

Now, am I confident in my decision? ABSOLUTELY! Am I scared shitless as well? You better believe it! I would be an idiot to say that the task before me isn't daunting. I have committed, for at least this next year, to school my child, to take FULL responsibility of his education. The great thing is how much we have already accomplished, he is well beyond kindergarten curriculum. In fact, I in a sense created a monster this past year, and if I enrolled him, he would be a bored, fidgety, annoying little twerp. I can already hear the calls from the school and the labels (ADD, ADHD) all because he is just too far beyond what they could offer. I'm not saying I have an overly gifted or brilliant child, but he has had the opportunity to explore anything and everything that he can think of. If he has a question, we look up the answer, if he wants to read, I will find a book to feed that need, if he wants to learn sign language, we get the book out or check out "Signing Time" from the library. No question is stupid and all questions are researched and answered. He is truly learning without limits.

I am lucky, I have a huge support system. My husband backs me 100%, my mom and my in-laws are very supportive, I have an aunt who is so supportive she actually helps me buy curriculum and I have a wonderful homeschooler group that I am involved with. It helps to have a network of veteran homeschoolers that have been in your shoes. They understand the challenges, they know about curriculum and best of all, they listen and can sympathize and encourage. Not to mention all the wonderful children that my son has access to play with!

I know I'm making the right decision for my child, and I am thrilled to be doing it. But there is that strange feeling when you know that this isn't for shits and giggles anymore, it's for real. Decisions have been made, plans are put into action and Pflugerville ISD will be minus one child this fall. Onward and upward I suppose!

Question for the ladies...

My neighbor's daughter is turning 10 years old next month. She is compiling a book for her that is to contain bits of wisdom to help her through her teenage years. She is asking each woman that is participating to share an experience or some information that we think is important for her to know as she becomes a young woman. I have a few ideas, of course, but was curious what some of the rest of you might think is an important thing for a girl to know. Here are a couple of my ideas:

1. Never believe you have to define yourself by a man. Too many young women that I see are so caught up in making sure they have a man, many get pregnant to keep their man, many put up with abuse and others just cling all because society or culture says that a woman HAS to have a man. I'm not saying she shouldn't strive to find love and happiness, but she needs to know that a woman is a powerful and important entity all on her own!

2. Don't get caught up on physical appearance. As long as you are a good and beautiful person on the inside, it will emanate and reflect on the outside. Women of all sizes, shapes, and colors are BEAUTIFUL!

One that I would love to address is never be fooled that lust is really love. Many boys will say they love you just to get in your pants! Don't believe them! If they truly love you, they'll respect your boundaries and allow you to explore your sexuality in your own time. However, I'm not sure my neighbor would be too keen on me talking sex with her 10 year-old!

And 3. Believe you can do anything! There are no limits, be who and what makes you happy! Although, financially it may be alot smarter to get a degree in accounting or engineering, if this isn't something that truly makes you happy, it will only fill your pocketbook and not your heart!

OK ladies... what are your thoughts?!?!

Serenity NOW!

Just as a precursor, I want to assure everyone that I ADORE my little boy. He is the most amazing thing on the planet, smart, funny, totally silly and without a doubt the coolest 5 year-old I know. That being said, HE DROVE ME CRAZY today! And I don't mean that he kind of annoyed me... he drove me full-on, stark-raving, wanting to pull my hair out or catch it on fire and run down the street naked, kind of crazy! There are three main issues that have just persisted the whole day, well, until now when he is sleeping soundly over on the couch. The first being the "Mommy what's your favorite _______?" Favorite food, favorite animal, favorite safari animal, favorite number, favorite type of t-shirt, favorite piece of furniture, favorite car, favorite leaf, and the list goes on (infinity!). OK, this was slightly endearing the first couple of times he asked, but it has now been going on for months and he asks me the same shit all the time! I have already answered my favorite soup, my favorite book, my favorite town in NM, etc... I wish he would ask something different, or better yet, just drop the favorites thing for like a week to allow my brain to recupe from this heinous abuse! Of course what's funny is he offers to tell me his faves, yet he doesn't seem to quite understand the concept of favorite. He has 8 favorite foods and 3 favorite animals, and six favorite places. Anyway, after awhile, I hear the word favorite and I want to gouge a fork into one ear, through my brain and out the other ear!

Now the second issue is truly sweet and I feel like a heel that it makes me crazy, but he has been following me around for days telling me how much he loves me. "I love you to two-billion!" "I love you to outer space and back and back out and back home and back out and back again!" I love you as high as that airplane!" And the clencher is, "I love you more than you love me!" I HATE that one! I try to explain it's not a contest. I tell him I love him more than anything and I am happy he loves me too, but I'm not going to compete to see who loves who more! I know he's only 5, and this concept of love, and who you love versus who you like versus who you don't like, is kind of gray right now. He tells me he loves everyone he's ever met. Sweet, but so naive! I just wish I could convince him to just tell me he loves me, that's all I need, no frills, no comparisons, just that he loves me is all I ever need to know.

The third issue is one that I don't see getting resolved anytime soon. Anyone with children I would assume has this same issue, but it was just that it was compounded with the other two today that threw me over the edge. He interrupts what I'm doing to ask me a question (this is actually NOT a problem, questions are always welcome). However, halfway through the answer he either starts talking about something else or you can tell he is paying attention to anything else but me. OK, why does he ask the question if he doesn't want to hear the answer??? Is it just to get my attention, is it just because I'm doing the dishes and he wants to interrupt what I'm doing, or am I just that damn dull that I can't keep his attention for 2 minutes? But that's not the kicker... he will ask the question, not listen to the answer and two hours later ask me the SAME FREAKIN' QUESTION!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. And like I said, he is totally conked out on the couch and looking so blissful and sweet, I certainly can't stay aggravated with him. He is a punk and he drives me crazy, but he's mine and my worst day WITH him is better than any day I ever had without him! So I'm off to carry his 40-lb. ass up the stairs to tuck him in and give him a kiss.

Signing off.

Over-tired and Bummed!

I'm sitting here at the computer, a little depressed, wondering where I really want to go with this entry. I just feel like maybe if I type awhile, I'll figure out what's bothering me! Maybe not. But first, I think I have to embark on a cup of tea with sugar and milk before I commence...

OK, where to begin, my baby, my lack of "self", or my loneliness? I guess it really doesn't matter. They all feed off of one another. The baby went on a horrible nursing strike last week. It was three days of hell. A screaming, crying, angry child, refusing the one thing that comforts. Good news, the strike did end, she is nursing again and for a couple of days, Mommy, baby and boobies were all happy and content. In fact, for about 3 days after the strike she was my dream baby! She was snuggly and loveable, with very little crying. It seemed as though that strike coincided with some sort of developmental milestone. Wrong! She has been a terror all week. Endless crying, and not sick or hurt crying, just that bitchy, whiny crying. She doesn't want to be picked up, but she certainly doesn't want to be set down. The only time I have any peace in this house is when she sleeps! I am beginning to think there is something wrong with her. Some sort of chemical imbalance in her brain that won't allow her to be calm and happy. She does better when we are out. New things to see, friends that pass her around so she has new faces to look at. And it breaks my heart to see her so happy and enchanted with other people, and then as soon as she comes back to me...crying. I try not to take it personally, but it's hard. It's hard to know that EVERYONE else on the planet can make her happy but me. I love her so much! I tell her I love her, I kiss her, I hug her, I try to play with her and within moments of ANY interaction there are tears! All I know is unhappy baby, leads to unhappy Mommy and the entire household suffers for it. This morning she went on a bender and my son was trying to talk to me while she was wailing and I honestly just wish I could have disappeared. Instead I yelled for everyone just to "SHUT UP!!!" Which relieved tension for a brief second but when I looked over and saw my 5 y.o. crying at the table I realized that little snap in judgement broke my little boy's heart! And that makes me feel like the world's crappiest Mom!

But what about the loss of me? I've been losing the "me" for years. However, I was beginning to see ways to bring it back before the baby was born. But that's out the window now. I don't blame her, it was inevitable. It is very hard to focus on yourself when you have one child, but it is all but impossible when you have two. I can't imagine life with 3 or 4! Now I know alot of women who have the money to pay for sitters and manage to make time for themselves, but that isn't my case. Sitters are a luxury. And I'll be honest, I do on occasion have the opportunity to go have an evening out, BUT when the time comes I am so tired, so frustrated and so overwhelmed that the last thing I want to do is go out or see people! I am considering getting a part-time job. We could use the money and I could use some time with other people. My entire existence revolves around a 5 y.o. and a 10 mo. old. I also realize that if I sucked it up and put my son in school, I'd have a lighter load during the day. But he is doing so well with his homeschooling and I can't justify putting my needs over his. Homeschooling is hard, but it IS working, he IS thriving and to be honest, it is the one thing I can take credit for and feel proud of right now. He is so smart and he is hungry for knowledge and I'm happy to feed that. I would sacrifice just about anything to continue that love of learning in him!

As far as the loneliness, I guess every stay-at-home mom experiences this. Your husband is at work all day while you are home cleaning house and caring for rugrats. Mine has been crazy at his job for awhile. Long hours, business trips and all that jazz. And he is lucky enough to have an outlet with his band. Something that gives him joy and satisfaction, which I wouldn't take away for the world. But I do feel lonely alot. For instance, we were going to host the De La Hoya vs. Mayweather fight (we LOVE boxing!). This was a great thing, invite friends over, BBQ, drink some beer, watch the fight and I would be able to put my crabby baby to bed at 8:30p in her own bed. So in other words, I could have actually participated in the festivities. Well with one thing or another, it was determined that someone else had actually decided they wanted to host the fight. So now, with lack of a babysitter (she's having back surgery) I will yet again be left at home with children while everyone else gets to hang out and have fun. I am sick to death of always being the one left behind!

I know in my head that I can't really complain, I opted to have the children, therefore, it IS my ultimate responsibility to care for them. I know this! But, I am just tired, tired to the bone. I want a change. I don't know if I need a job, a hobby (like that's possible with a 10 mo. old!), if I need to give it up and put my kid in school, or hell for that matter, get a full-time job and put one in school and the other in daycare. I don't know the answer here, but I just know that SOMETHING needs to change. Those occasional giggles and the elusive smile from that baby girl are heart-warming, but it only lasts for a second and I'm back in the same boat again. It's like giving a peanut to a starving man twice a day, you know?

Well, I hate to be a bummer, but sometimes I just need to vent. I still feel like shit, but at least I understand why I'm not all chipper and perky today. Maybe having my garage sale tomorrow and selling a bunch of useless crap will make me feel better. My son is going to spend the day with his uncle and cousins, now if I could just hornswaggle someone into taking that baby girl for the day! I keep hoping I'll luck out like my Mom and have someone call me and tell me that they are taking me on a trip for 2 weeks without children... (OK, cue dreamy fog) I can see it now, a tropical beach, umbrellas, warm, crystal blue water, wait a minute--someone's delivering a fruity, icy beverage with fruit and umbrellas sticking out of the top, I have my toes in the sand, all I can hear is the waves and the sea gulls, and occasionally (when the breeze shifts) I can hear the sounds of a guitar or maybe it's a ukelele playing in the distance. There's no crying baby, no singing boy, just nature and music. My heart is happy as I know my children are safe with family and I can relax, knowing that they are fine and I don't have to be the one to jump at a moments notice. I am enjoying myself immensely and like a crazy person, missing those two little twerps and counting the minutes until I get back to them. But for now...I breathe, I rest and I rejuvenate.

Holy shit...that sounds awesome! I should start a company that offers amazing vacation packages for over-worked moms! A "Mommy's Only" Resort! Affordable, yet relaxing, and all inclusive. No kids allowed!

Calgon....take me away!

It is now 11am and I have been under siege from my 5 y.o. since 8am! Under siege you ask? Yes, I have been bombarded by noise for HOURS!!! First it was his L-Max, which has to be run at maximum volume (that's what the MAX stands for!), then came the i-Dog blaring guitar licks that seem straight out of a Joan Jett rock anthem. I implored him to turn off both of these things as we have a new rule in the house that NO noisy toys are allowed before 9am or after 9pm. So he was willing to follow the rules and shut them down. But who says you have to have electronic devices to make noise?!? Then came the harmonica, the recorder, his sister's doggy xylophone, his toy drum, the list goes on. So I decide...A-ha! bathtime! That will quiet him down for sure. Yeah right. There is splashing, singing, bird calls, toys banging on the side of the tub...did I mention the impressive repertoire of farty noises! He finally exits the tub, it is now after 9 and he knows that noisy toys are legal now, but instead opts to go for his little video camera. This is nice. He is walking around quietly, at first, filming various and assundry items, then it starts, the singing. But here's the kicker...not only is he singing (at the top of his lungs mind you) but he is recording these squawkings!!! So now I am treated to the original version, followed by replay after replay after replay!! Now I will admit that the first time or two hearing my son belt out David Lee Roth's version of "Tobacco Road" is nothing short of hysterical, but after the 6th, 7th, 12th time it is enough to turn any sane person into a trembling, drooling, incoherent mess! So here I sit in my closet, wrapped tightly with a polar fleece sweater, rocking back and forth, sucking my thumb, wondering why moon pies are so light and fluffy.

Bah Humbug!!

I am a member of a local mother's group and it is a wonderful thing! Most of the members are really great, down-to-earth women with a great outlook on life and child-rearing. However, in every group there always has to be a couple of spoil-sports and our group is no exception. Recently the threads have entertained thoughts of Christmas and Santa Claus and the such. One of the moms had a major mishap with the kiddos finding the mother lode of loot. She was quite distraught and wanted some advice how to handle it as her children are still young and still get visited by Santa. There were many helpful ideas how to deal with this faux pas and still keep the spirit of Santa alive (all quite ingenious ideas at that!). But out of the helpful ideas and words of support from most of us came the post that slammed her for "lying" to her children about Santa. From what I understand, this woman feels it is wrong to lie to your kids and dangerous for them to have trust in a stranger who, for all intense purposes, breaks into your home and leaves treats. Wow! That had never even crossed my mind! Probably because I am not totally paranoid!

I firmly believe that "lying" is a strong word when it comes to Santa or the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny. These are all great traditions of storytelling that go back for generations! And what is so damn wrong with your child believing in something fun and magical? It won't last forever, at some point they will catch on, like all of us did and yes, they may be a little disappointed for a time, but then they might just look back and appreciate the effort that we as parents put forth to make life a little more fun and a little more memorable! In fact, I remember the day I learned the truth about Santa, but was I angry or dismayed that my parents had let me believe? Of course not! I was in 4th grade and pretty close to figuring it out anyway! I remember walking into the house with leftover boxes of Santa loot in my hands and my mother looking shocked! So we got it out in the open and had a good laugh about it! However, the spirit of Santa existed even after I learned that the jolly, fat, man that rode reindeer and squeezed down chimneys was a myth. There are still Santa gifts under our tree. Usually the fun and frivolous gifts that bring a smile to your face!

So will I continue to hang stockings with care? Will I have my son write a note telling Santa of his wishes? Will we leave cookies for the jolly, old elf and oats and carrots for the reindeer? Absolutely! After all, what fun is life without a little magic? As for the woman on my list, I feel bad for her. Life must be terribly dull and unfulfilling when you can't see the wonderment of the world and the enchantment of childhood. Children are slapped in the face with the harsh realities of this world soon enough. So why not let them dream in their short-lived time of innocence?

I think Bill Cosby must be right.

As I have stated, I have an almost 5 y.o. son and he is without a doubt the most awesome thing in the world! He is beautiful and smart and funny and SERIOUSLY annoying! I feel awful as a mother saying this about my child, but it's the truth! He hasn't always been annoying, in fact the annoyance-level didn't reach a critical capacity until a month or two ago. It was like a switch was triggered in his little head and all he can do now is make noise. He sings, he "RRRAAAHHHS", he talks to himself, he talks to me CONSTANTLY about things that make no sense! All of this puts me in such a predicament though. He drives me clear up the wall on a daily basis, but I certainly do not want to discourage him from singing (it isn't often you find a little boy this young that can actually carry a tune!) and I love that he wants to talk to me and that he has a vivid imagination, but dear lord if this child doesn't learn how to shut his pie-hole on occasion I may have to flail myself out of the second-story window! It all makes me remember what Bill Cosby said about kids having brain damage! I have to tell my son at every meal that we DO NOT sing at the table, but does he remember that at the next meal? No. So I once again have to remind him that we DO NOT sing at the table. I find it odd that he can remember what we did at his grandparents' house 2 years ago, he remembers everything about meeting my hairdresser's 12 y.o. son 4 months ago, but he can't remember that I told him not to sing at the table 3 hours ago! Is it just a glitch in the pre-school mind? Or have they already learned selective listening? I personally think in my case that it is some wonderful karmic payback! I seem to recall my parents constantly telling me to be quiet and that I talked too much. In fact, a few people in my life would still concur that I have the gift of gab. So I suppose the boy comes by it honestly and I should cherish it, after all, once he's a teenager the last thing he's going to want to do is talk to me!

Diapers...don't get me started!

As is probably obvious, I am a mother. A mother to an almost 5 year old son and a 5 month old daughter. Now when I had my daughter (4 1/2 years after having my son) I was amazed at the advances in baby gear!! The strollers are so much more versatile and light weight, the diaper bags now look like hip Gucci bags, the carseats have side impact protectors, you name it, they probably have it. But here is the odd thing, there has obviously been no advances in diapers. In fact, I am pretty sure that disposable diapers of today are hardly better than the ones used in the 70's!! How do I know this?? I know this because my beautiful, sweet, precious baby girl shoots crap straight up the back of her outfit at least every other day!! Why? Because diapers are not fitted around the top! Not to say that the fittings around the legs don't leak, cause they do, but for some reason all it takes is for the child to be sitting in any upright position when said poop happens and instead of being absorbed or dispersing in the lower part of the diaper, it shoots straight up the back, over the top and soils that sweet, pink and frilly onesie (at the most inopportune time, of course)! i just find it odd that we can make cars that can park themselves, but we CANNOT seem to make a diaper that can actually contain baby shit!! It's not like there isn't a market for such an item. Ask any haggard mother who has been in a restaurant or store and picked up her adorable child only to realize that not only the child, but the carseat and herself are covered in poop and I'm sure she would tell you in no uncertain terms that she would practically KILL to have a diaper that worked! But I don't think it will be something that I will see in my lifetime. Diaper companies don't feel the need to truly improve the diaper since we will buy them regardless. I mean what else are we gonna do? I suppose I could use cloth diapers, maybe they actual contain biohazardous waste better than disposables, but then there is the downside of having to wash them!! It is bad enough washing the nasty, poo-stained onesies! I would surely wretch if I had to wash cloth diapers! So the cycle will continue, I will continue using disposable diapers, and my daughter will continue ruining onesies and that will be my life until she learns how to poop in a toilet!