It's a bitch getting older!

Recently I noticed an area on my face, up on my left cheek, that's red, kind of bumpy and has some discoloration around it. I didn't think anything of it at first really, but it's been around for about a month now. A friend of mine said her brother is a dermatologist and she suggested I make every effort to get it looked at soon. So I went in today to see my dermatologist. He said it could be one of two things. I could be dealing with an area of yeast, which is fairly common and curable with a creme or it was a spot of pre-cancer. He says since I came in early on that there is absolutely NO evidence of cancer, but possibly some abnormal cells. We are going to take the next month to treat it as if it's yeast and see how it goes, but if it is not resolved he will want to biopsy it to make certain. It's always a scary thing to even discuss cancer in any way, but I have high hopes that it is just the yeast and will be all cleared up in a month. And although the discoloration is definitely sun damage, it is more of an "age spot" and nothing to be too worried about. I guess we'll see where we're at in a month. I'm glad I went in, even if it is more serious, we'll be catching it very early on and that's always the best scenario. I told him I was surprised as for the last 10 years I have been good about sunscreen and such, but he just laughed and said it wasn't anything I've done in the last 10 years, it was the days on the beach when I was 18 that are catching up! Ain't that a bitch?!?

Haiku of the day

Boo-hoo, woe is me
Nasty throat and loads of snot
Colds really suck ass!

Now ain't that a bitch!

For some reason, my body and I have not been friends this year! Between that stupid virus, the cavity I need to go have filled, a weird lump in my knee and lately my stinkin' big toe, I have been a medical mess. The damn toe started a couple of months ago when I took off my nail polish and noticed a white spot in the middle. I immediately panicked thinking it was a fungal infection and raced to the doctor. She said she thought it was an injury and to leave it be until we get back from Mexico. She said if it still looked bad or worse, I should go to the podiatrist once I was back. Well, the toe was getting progressively worse and over the weekend I started to get unnerved when I could literally see space between my nail bed and the nail! And it was hurting! I bucked it up and made a podiatrist's appointment today. Figured I should get to the bottom of this crap BEFORE heading out of the country. To my great relief, this was NOT a fungal infection (hooray, no Lamisil for me!) but was an injury. An injury that had cracked the nail way back down beneath the cuticle. Anyway, I had two choices, I could wait around for Mother Nature to do it's job and basically have the nail fall off or get knocked off somewhere in Mexico (she assumed it would happen in a week to 10 days) or she could remove it. Since I didn't want to be pussy-footing around and worrying over a stupid toenail in Mexico, I told her to just yank the damn thing! Now I have a disgusting little nail-less nub! Here I go out and get my hair cut and colored, my eyebrows waxed, I've got cute clothes for Mexico and a beautiful dress for the wedding but none of that matters because I'll have this nasty, freakish toe with NO NAIL!!! I am so grossed out at the moment I can hardly stand it! And I know, vanity at it's worst, but seriously... the timing of this could NOT have been worse! Nothing makes a girl feel more sexy and alluring than a troll toe! So I get to spend the entire summer, when I'm normally parading around in flip flops or sandals with beautifully painted toenails, wearing closed toed shoes hiding my freakish deformation! Nice.

Sick, tired and completely at a loss.

Whatever this nasty virus is, it shows absolutely no sign of letting go anytime soon. I ended up at the doctor on Friday as I had not been able to get my fever under 101* F. for 5 days. The nurse insisted I be seen since having a fever for that long is a bad thing. I thought maybe they could help me. I thought wrong. As I expected, I drove myself across town in a highly impaired state, not that I was on drugs or drunk, but very foggy, very weak and hurting badly from a migraine-like headache. Anyway, I was told I had a virus of sorts and nothing they could do for me. I wanted to kick the shit out of the nurse that insisted that I come in. I was told it would probably last another 2-3 days. Well, it's Monday, three days later and it's still here. Fever is finally gone, body aches mostly gone, coughing on occasion and congestion mostly gone, but now I am just weak, torn up and to add insult to injury, NAUSEOUS of all things. Everything smells terrible and tastes even worse. Trying to eat toast this morning caused me to wretch more times than I can count! How do you build yourself back up when you can't eat anything? I honestly feel like I'm wasting away.

I don't know if I've discussed this much, but my Homeowner's Association (the good 'ol HOA) has been breathing down my neck for a couple of months because we are missing a shingle and I guess they think our chimney needs painted. I was given 45 days to fix this "infraction". Well, we've had a couple of different contractors come out, including one today to look at the work and everyone of them has turned the work down, stating that it is too high and they'd have to have specialized equipment to do it. Son of a bitch! I have never in my life had contractors turn down work! Between this stupid chimney and painting the stupid art niches inside, I have never had so many hassles with a house! Had I known the problems I would have had maintaining this stupid place I would have NEVER bought it. So now I have to go and try to convince the HOA, who seemed VERY skeptical when I informed them that contractors were turning the work down, that we still don't have a way to fix the problem. Note to self, future home must be HOA free! I don't care if the rest of the neighborhood looks like crap, I can't stand having some bunch of little Nazis telling me what I NEED to do to my house and when I NEED to do it! I was just so bummed when this contractor called me back today. Just another damn thing on my plate that I can't deal with right now. I need to get well and I need someone to come and fix this damn house!

Unmotivated.

Just sitting here, surfing the web, reading blogs, looking at pictures of flowers and butterflies, reading about ways to make my home more "green", looking at beautiful tattoos, reading up on vermiculture and basically watching the time slip through my fingers. It isn't that I'm not motivated to do something else, I just have absolutely no energy. This flu has literally kicked my ass. So here I sit, drinking tea, doing the one thing that doesn't make my poor body ache, wishing my children would take a 6 hour nap so I could get some sleep too! But this is not the case. And as much as I have no energy and no desire, I HAVE to get my ass moving today as we are completely out of groceries. My children haven't seen a vegetable in days, there is no more almond milk for the baby, no more bread, no more eggs, no more juice, no more potatoes, no more cheese and less then a half gallon of regular milk. So, unless I want to feed my kids black beans and mayonnaise for lunch, I have to get to a store today.

The Monkey Man has been happy though, watching movies, playing computer games and eating pumpkin bread every chance he gets. I hardly saw the kids yesterday, after Big Daddy got home, I went directly to bed and stayed there. I did get to see the Piggle's smiling face before she went to bed though, and then she cried for me when she left the room and it broke my heart. I wanted to jump out of bed and go grab her and hug and kiss her, but jumping out of bed was an impossibility and I didn't want to kiss her and contaminate her with my funk. I hope this runs its course soon, I seriously just don't have time for being sick! And I seriously miss hugging and smooching my kiddos!

Isn't it ironic?

I was so sore when I went to bed last night, I could hardly believe it! I knew I did some heavy lifting and ALOT of shoveling, but I couldn't imagine I would be as sore as I was. Well... as it turns out, not only did I move massive amounts of dirt yesterday, but I somehow managed to come down with the flu! At around 1 am, I woke up in cold sweats with a fever, sore throat and horrible body aches. I can hardly move my wrists and ankles today they are so sore! Needless to say, hauling the rest of that dirt will have to wait a day or two! Springtime flu is a bitch!

No... I didn't die, but almost wished I had!

Sorry for the lapse in any blogging entries as of late. Turns out last Friday the Miss Piggle Wiggle started up with the puking flu. And of course, being a good mother, I made a little bed in the floor of her room and stayed with her and of course got barfed on and all that great stuff. So it was no wonder that Sat. night I too joined the ranks and began puking my guts out. Fun, fun, fun! I tried my hardest to stay far away from the Monkey Man and his daddy, but to no avail. The Monkey Man started with the puking on Monday. I had a relapse on Tues. and basically life has just sucked ass this past week! Luckily Big Daddy made it through without contracting the deadly Valentine's Plague of 2008 and he should feel VERY lucky! So, if any of you wondered where I've been, that would be it. Hope everyone out there is doing well and staying healthy. This flu was really the worst thing I've had in a couple of years! Ugh!

Not AGAIN!!!

As you probably read before, my little girly took a tumble and conked her head last week, which in turn caused her to barf all over my car! That took a good 3 hours to clean up and I had to tear her carseat apart and dig all around in the nooks and crannies to get it all off. It was AWFUL! But life returned to normal and we were all happy... UNTIL (dum, dum, DUM!) Sunday night when the boy went to bed and we heard a screech from his room. We rushed in to see what the problem was and he had puked all over himself and his bed! Not again!!! Hubby grabbed him up and took him into the bathroom to get him cleaned up, and I was left to get the bed changed out. Honestly, I don't know what is worse, carefully pulling off barfy sheets trying to make sure it doesn't hit the carpet or having to clean puke out of a kid's hair?!? Either way, we both had dirty jobs to contend with! I swear, if I have to clean up another round of kid barf this week, I'm gonna freak the hell out! Oh well, I suppose I should be thankful that it was puke and not diarrhea! Yuck!

So for those of you out there thinking of having children I would like to pass on some words of wisdom, if you have a weak stomach don't do it! Kids are not in control of their bodily functions for a VERY long time. YOU, my friend, will be forced to pick up and cuddle the crying child who has just heaved an entire bowl of vegetable soup all over his pajamas. It is you who will try desperately to get a diaper full of diarrhea off without getting it on the carpet or YOURSELF! It is you who will be cleaning toilet seats, mats and floors because your little man just doesn't have the aim you might hope for. And let's not forget trying to get the poop-covered onesie off the kicking, screaming infant in a mall bathroom and realizing you don't have another change of clothing for her or you! It is year after year of being way more familiar with another human's pee, poop and puke! I mean seriously, I worked at a children's hospital for 3 years and the stuff I cleaned up there PALES in comparison to the stuff I've had to deal with at home with my own kids!! At least hospitals are meant for that kind of mess. Linoleum floors, plastic paneling on the walls, plastic covering on all the beds, not to mention the fact that if you need to clean up a mess you are provided with all the high-tech stuff to do it with the highest level of efficiency and lowest level of exposure to yourself. If I had rubber gloves, masks, goggles, surgical gowns and shoe covers, all this puking may not bother me so bad! But as of yet, I don't have a Haz-Mat kit, so I am reduced to rags, paper towels and a washing machine that most likely hates me! I swear, the things you do for the little farts that you love!

Daredevil baby and a trip to the ER!

My little girl is a daredevil in the making. She is afraid of nothing! Her brother has always been a very cautious child, in fact he is just now getting to the point where you can really push him on the swing. But this little girl is into EVERYTHING, she wants to climb on the furniture, climb up the stairs, try all the playground equipment and she isn't even 18 months old yet! She's going to be the one to ride all the roller coasters with her Nana!

Anyway, Monday afternoon we were getting ready to go grocery shopping and all that fun stuff. I was in here checking our bank account when I heard the loudest thump followed by that breathless scream, when a baby can't seem to get the noise out because they are SO distressed. I raced in to see what had happened and from what I can gather (big brother witnessed a portion of it) she had decided to get on the couch, climb up on the armrest and was teetering around trying to climb up on the back of the couch! During this maneuver, I guess she slipped, lost her balance and fell face-first onto the hardwoods. I grabbed her up and hugged and kissed and did all those motherly comforting things, while trying to assess the damage. It really didn't look that bad and she calmed down after a few minutes. So we proceeded on our merry way. As I pulled into the parking lot, she let out a scream and in short order barfed ALL over herself and my car! Then she continued to cry and she kept leaning her head back and closing her eyes like she really wanted to sleep. Well, I've always heard that head trauma, followed by vomiting is NOT a good thing. So I booked it back home to get her some clean clothes and had the doctor on the phone preparing them for my imminent arrival. The hubby met me at the doctor's office and she was examined and then we were sent to the ER at the new children's hospital for a CT scan. Needless to say I am becoming more and more worried and the thought of having to wait in the ER with all the sick, snotty, little kids is NOT sounding like fun. We arrive and get checked in and sit in the waiting room forever, then we get beckoned by a nurse who shows us into our private little room for us to wait... FOREVER! Finally about 1 1/2 hours into it, the doctor comes in to examine her and says we need to have a CT scan done (I'm thinking I've already heard this and what is the damn hold-up!). So he leaves and get this, we wait. And wait. And still more waiting. At this point the hubby and our son have seen almost every inch of the hospital corridors, visited the gift shop and the snack bar.

Anyway, they FINALLY come in to get her for the scan. One parent was allowed to accompany her to the scan. So I opted to go, in hindsite, maybe not the best thing for me to do. We went into the room and the technician takes her lays her on this table thing and wraps her in a blanket SO tightly and then straps her down with these big straps. Then to add insult to injury, he shoves her little head into this headrest thing, shoves pads next to the sides of her head and cranks a strap down over her forehead (that's where she hit the floor and I'm sure this was painful). Now I know they have to keep her still for the procedure, my brain knows this, but my heart and soul are just breaking. She is terrified and crying and I'm trying to comfort her in any way I can, which was futile. She just kept yelling, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY!" I kept telling her she was OK, with tears streaming down my face and this is all before the stupid scan even starts! So next the little table starts to move and her head gets shoved through this giant donut-looking thing, all these weird noises start and then she really freaks! I wanted so badly to just rip all that shit off of her and grab her and run out the door, never to return! Seriously, I should have let my hubby deal with this! I am WAY too emotional and like I've stated before, my mother bear instinct is quite honed and I feel the need to harm people when they make my children scream like that (I guess it's a good thing the technician was a pretty big, burly guy that could probably have taken me out!).

We were then escorted back to the room for another hour of waiting to find out that the scan was clear and she was OK, well, by medical standards OK, she was pretty banged up and still throwing up and not a happy girl at all, regardless of how good her scan looked. He said that they would come in and give a dose of Tylenol and get us checked out. I was glad for that as the baby and I were both covered in barf and smelling really bad! So dinner and a bath sounded nice to me. I sent hubby and the boy out the the lobby and waited for our release. I sat there another HOUR and finally got pissed and went to the nurse's station to tell them never mind about the stinkin' Tylenol, I had some at home, just bring me our release papers so I could go home and get out of these puke-covered clothes! They looked shocked, I don't know if it was from them being surprised I was still there, or that I had the gall to come and bitch, either way, I had may papers 5 minutes later and was out the door to go pay.

We made it home, although she did barf in the car one last time, for good measure I suppose. I took her and bathed her, put her in some jammies and handed her off to her daddy. I then informed him that I was off to take a bath and decompress a bit. I was still recovering my adrenaline rush and was so tired from all the waiting and worrying that I needed to go soak, read a bit and try to get myself back to somewhat normal again. While soaking it occurred to me how frustrating life must be for people who have chronically ill children. If I had to deal with doctors and hospitals frequently I believe it would absolutely suck the life right out of me. You are at the mercy of the system when you are there. You will wait as long as they want you to wait, they will leave you to worry with a sick or hurt child, trying to comfort them in a cold and unfamiliar place. It's awful! I hope my children continue to be healthy and hopefully my little daredevil will take away a lesson from her incident, that maybe standing on the arm of the couch isn't such a cool thing after all! She is doing fine now, except for the bruising which is now creeping down her forehead and into her eyes. She's most likely going to end up with a shiner or two, UGH! But she is happy and doing all the things she normally does, so at least she seems no worse for the wear... wish I could say the same, I'm sure I have at least 20 more gray hairs!

Difficult decisions postponed.

So how's this for weird, I was pondering the euthanasia of my old kitty cat. She really has been in alot of pain the last few months and I just couldn't justify letting her suffer anymore. I had decided that I would probably take her to the vet, for one last review of the circumstances, let them know the pain meds they prescribed weren't at all working (and they were even morphine based!). Anyway, while hanging out with her, watching TV the other night I just was messing with her feet when I realized that two of her claws had grown very thick and had curled under and were starting to grow into the pads of her feet! In all my years I have NEVER seen a cat's claws do that. Needless to say I called the vet first thing the next morning (mostly since Miriam tried to disembowel me when I tried to cut them myself!) I decided to take advantage of this to really discuss her pain and what my options were and that I was debating euthanasia if I couldn't get her pain under control. I should also mention that the morphine based meds were $26 a week, which was a bit out of my budget. Not that I wouldn't put myself in the poorhouse for my pets, BUT, when you have 2 kids to feed and gas and milk both over $3 a gallon, that med was cutting into grocery money! ANYWAY, they took care of the claws, luckily they hadn't cut through the pads yet, but they were still uncomfortable, which is probably why she has been limping more lately. (This makes me feel like a shmuck by the way, that I didn't notice this sooner!) Afterwards I discussed the pain situation and the solution was for me to try two new meds, one is called Metacam which is more for joint and bone pain and then Gabapentin which is more for neurological pain. Luckily, because they both had to be diluted and dosages are small, both meds together are a quarter of the price of the morphine! I can afford $40 every 3 months! I am waiting for the gabapentin as it had to be special ordered through a pharmacy, but we started the Metacam and call me crazy, but I think the grumpy, little, tabby is feeling better! She has been more bright-eyed, she has actively sought me out for petting and I have heard her purr for the first time in MONTHS!!! She is still having twitches and weird neuro stuff, but I'm hoping the gabapentin will help with that. I am optimistic! Don't get me wrong, I know my kitty-girl still has cancer, I know that it will metastasize as I refuse to amputate her leg, hell for all I know it already has, and I also know that my time with her is limited. But at least I can say that for the time being, her time with me is no longer a miserable existence. I think the meds are helping dramatically and if I can keep her comfortable until her time comes, that is all I can ask for. At least now, she'll hopefully be comfortable enough to enjoy the love we have to give her! I'm happy today!

Difficult decisions.

It is happening again, I am being faced with one of the most difficult decisions of my life. My 16 y.o. cat, Miriam, is not doing well. She was diagnosed with cancer last year and underwent surgery to remove a large mass from her back foot. They ended up having to amputate one of her toes in order to get a good margin. I was told the cancer was aggressive and although they felt confident that they got a good margin, there was still possibility of re-growth. After the surgery, things just seemed to start going downhill quickly. Her temperament is not the same, it almost seems as though she is suffering from some form of dementia or senility. It didn't take long for the cancer to start re-growing, and this time it is obviously having neurological effects. Her back has strange spasms, her feet wig out for no apparent reason and it is obvious that when I touch her, it just causes all sorts of neurological distress. She can be sound asleep and start growling then wake up suddenly and start attacking her affected foot! It is scary to watch, and she attacks it with such vigor and tears it up and makes it bleed. It breaks my heart! She is still eating, drinking and using the litter box, so as far as I know, her internal functions are normal, but she just seems miserable and in pain constantly. She wants to be near, but you can't pet her as it causes pain and irritation, she yowls in the night. The vets gave me pain meds, but they don't seem to work. Surgery is not an option as amputation of the entire leg would be the next step and I just don't feel that kind of surgery is fair to a 16 y.o. cat. If this were happening when she was 4 it would be another story. But at this point, we have no idea how much the cancer has metastasized. It may be that it has metastasized into other areas and this is why she has the nervous ticks and strange neurological symptoms. Bottom line... she is in obvious pain every day. She limps through the house, she doesn't enjoy affection any longer and does what she can to stay hidden away. I occasionally get a moment with her, where she seems alright, but it is usually short-lived. The petting and purring quickly become hissing and growling.

Making the decision to euthanize an animal is the WORST thing I have ever had to do. I have had to do this twice already over the last 3 or so years and both times SUCKED. How do you look into the eyes of a beloved friend and allow someone to take their life? But on the other hand, how can you allow that beloved friend to suffer through a horrible existence? I have had pets all my life, so death is nothing new to me. I have had to euthanize various critters, rats, ferrets and recently my 21 y.o. cat and my 15 y.o. dog. Every incident was horrible and left me questioning if I did the right thing. Did I jump the gun? Did I wait too long? Would they have made the choice if they were in my shoes? Would I have wanted to be euthanized if I had been in their position? And I know as a humans, we have a tendency to project our emotions and feelings onto our animals. We have an innate fear of death, so therefore we assume that our animals do to. But is that the case? I highly doubt they fear death as we do because they don't have anxiety and fear over the unknown, they are most likely not as aware of death as they tend to live in the moment. Do they even realize that they could be dead next week? They don't have things to accomplish or get in order before they die. It happens when it happens. Does this make my decision any easier? I'm afraid not. I am so used to this furniture-scratching, hairball-hacking, grumpy, little tabby that it is hard for me to imagine my life without her. And not only that, my son adores her. He doesn't yet understand her pain, and all he wants to do is love on her, which she tolerates with as much grace as she can muster. He will miss her so badly. He tells me all the time how much he loves his kitty and how he wants her to be with him forever. I'm sure he can't imagine life without her as she has been around all his life!

So here I sit, weighing my options. Trying not to project my human emotions and anxiety onto her. Trying to judge whether this is a good day for her or a bad day. Is her struggle to endure the pain too much? Is she still happy to be with us, or is she just tired and wanting to rest for good. I look at that sweet little face, with those big-green eyes, her trademark "M" on her forehead (hence the name Miriam), her fat, saggy, belly that is exactly the color of caramel and it absolutely kills me to think of life without her. Once she is gone, it will be the end of an era for me. All of the pets that came to me in high school and college will be gone. She is the last of the old mainstays in my life, besides my hubby and my mother! I don't want her to suffer, but I don't want to let her go either! There is almost nothing more wonderful than the love of an animal, nothing quite so unconditional, they don't expect you to "be" anything in particular, just a warm, kind body to snuggle with. It really is unfair that they have such short lifespans. Good friendships like this should be able to last a lifetime!

Shots!

It was my baby's 15-month check-up today and you guessed it... SHOTS! I LOATHE shot days. She got three shots and they stuck her finger to get blood. I could hear her screaming all the way in the waiting room, where I was trying my best to comfort my son who also got two shots! Lucky for him, this is it. Other than possible flu vaccines, he is done with boosters and whatnot until he's 11 or so. Anyway, I got to leave the doctor's office with two crying kids and an extreme desire to punch someone! I know vaccines are necessary, but that still doesn't keep me from wanting to pommel anyone who causes pain to my babies! I am lucky that my hubby comes to the shot appointments and he deals with the actual deed. I just deal with the comfort and hugs afterward. But shots still suck ASS!

And so it ends... I hope!

Last week I e-mailed the folks at NAMC's customer service department. I asked who I would need to contact to file a formal complaint against the hospital's billing department. It took awhile, in fact I thought they were blowing me off, but I received a message from someone over the weekend. I gathered ALL of my info, the pages and pages of documentation and correspondence, and called this woman. I was so ready to just totally go off, not on her mind you, but I was fully prepared to file a formal complaint with this person. Well, she must have figured I would get in touch with her as she had all of my info at her disposal and before I could even get my main complaint out, she interrupted me, said she had reviewed my case and then (almost like out of a Harry Potter book) she waved her magic wand and told me that my account had a $0 balance! What the hell?!? Not that I wasn't thrilled, but where the hell was this person 9 months ago? She stated she would send me a receipt stating my account was "Paid in Full" and also send her card, in case there is any more issue, which she assured there wouldn't be, but just in case, I am to contact her first.

So, I am thrilled that this battle may actually be over (not holding my breath, but you know). However, it was pretty unsatisfying for me as I had ALOT to vent and I didn't get the opportunity. It was like she fixed the problem and quickly swept me away under the rug, as not to be seen by anyone else. That's fine, I suppose I'll store up all that aggression and use it when I make my report to the Better Business Bureau!

Figures...

I'll spare you the lengthy post on the incompetence of North Austin Medical. Let's just say that nothing is resolved, I am closer to getting an attorney on waiver and I am looking into filing a formal grievance with the hospital and with the Better Business Bureau. Will it help me plight? Probably not, but I figure SOMEONE should know how dissatisfied I am (well, besides all you nice people) and how incompetent NAMC's system is. I am halfway considering calling "7 On Your Side"! Slap 'em on the 5 o 'clock news, maybe that will start a little fire under them to get them motivated to actually follow through with the "review" they promised. What a total bunch of ASSHOLES!

Psyching myself up.

I'm sitting here, steeping my tea, trying to get myself psyched up enough to call the damn hospital and see what their "review" has done for me. I have to admit, I am so scared, I don't really know how to handle it. I have a friend, who is an attorney, backing me up. So far, she isn't charging me, but then again, I haven't used that trump card yet. I would really like this to resolve without taking them to court. But I am beginning to wonder if that will be the only way! The insurance company is backing me, which is odd, but good I suppose. They time and time again sat through lengthy 3-way conversations with these assholes at North Austin Medical. But I just don't see a resolution in sight. I am HOPING with all my heart that they have figured this out. I REFUSE to pay that extra $450. It's not fair! I figure they assume I would never waste my time or money taking them to small claims over $450, but I just might. Once again, it's the sheer principle. These big companies abuse the little person and nickel and dime them because they CAN!!! They figure most people won't fight, won't take the time or the effort to take them to court. But I think everyone needs to start holding the hospitals and the insurance companies to higher standards! Anyway, this rant may continue later, or who knows, you may not hear from me for days as I might be passed out do to sheer surprise! Keep your fingers crossed for me that I don't have to throw down the lawyer card!

Stress, irrational fear and panic attacks.

What a pain in my ass, after 5 years with no problems, I am having panic attacks again. And not just little, annoying, pansy-ass ones--full blown, can't breathe, dizzy, anxious, debilitating. I used to be a chronic panic attack girl, they were mild, but enough that I sought medication to help. Then when I left my job in the operating room and embarked on life as a stay-at-home mom, they miraculously disappeared about 6-8 months after the birth of my son. Makes sense, I wasn't working hellish hours, I wasn't dealing with life and death situations, I didn't have a boss to answer to (or 12 anesthesiologists for that matter), I had one "boss" and that was my son. Not saying that having a new baby isn't extremely stressful, but stressful in a different way. Any bullshit or craziness I endured was for the betterment of him and that made things meaningful. So this trend continued until Feb. of this year. Feb. 5th was the day I thought I was literally dying. I ended up in the ER after loss of consciousness, chest pain and shortness of breath. It scared the shit out of me! And therefore started the ball rolling for these damn panic attacks to come back. Man, it pisses me off!

Since that day I have been absolutely plagued by an irrational fear of dying. At least once every day or so I am absolutely overwhelmed with this fear. Do I know I'm healthy... sure. Do I know my fear is completely irrational... of course. Does this help... no. It sneaks up on me, gets me all frazzled and then come the panic attacks. I am aware that we will all die, I am also aware that if I did die, my children will be loved and cared for. Still, this is no comfort. And if all this stupid crap weren't enough, the stress of fighting with insurance companies and hospitals, as well as remodeling my house, still trying to adjust to a new baby, having a complete asshole for a father and now having a husband that has to travel quite a bit for his job, seems two-fold. But what annoys me the most is I just can't seem to shake this proverbial monkey of my back! My life isn't anymore stressful than the next person's. I'm sure everyone has an underlying fear of death. But here I am, dealing with these damn panic attacks again! I am seeking out a therapist to maybe help. I don't know, I'm not a big fan of meds, not to mention I'm still breastfeeding and don't think my baby girl needs a healthy dose of Paxil along with me. Besides, meds will only mask my symptoms, it won't fix the problem. So off I'll go to spill my heart out to strangers... wait a minute, isn't that what I'm doing here? I have to admit, writing about shit does make me feel better and help to process things. But hopefully I can get my fears and stress under control soon, I have way too much to live for to waste so much time worrying about death!

Too good to be true!

Seems as though my mega-happy dance and celebration over the resolution of my woes with NAMC were a bit premature. The receipt they promised to send stating "PAID IN FULL" arrived, however, it showed I paid my $34 yet I still have a balance of $455! And people wonder why, in this day and age, people freak out and go totally postal! I have wasted countless hours over the last year arguing with these assholes and I finally think things are finished, kaput, finito, but NOOOOOO!

I tell you what though, this mild-mannered, suburban mother is about to become a full-blown, raging, ass-kicking bitch with these people! I called them this morning and they are giving me some bullshit about how BCBS paid $550 then turned around months later and recuped that payment, so therefore NAMC is recuping their contractual adjustment of $455. OK, whatever, I still don't see how that affects my bottom line in the least. If the initial bill (and mind you, I have a fully itemized bill FROM THEM) was $1596 (which is what they billed the insurance) and the insurance subsequently paid approximately $1437, leaving a balance of $159 that was my responsibility and I made $125 payment in Jan. and then a $34 payment last week, how the hell can they say I owe them any more money?!?!? I swear, if I didn't think most attorneys were as bloodsucking as the hospitals, I would be contacting and attorney to deal with this shit. But that's all I need is to have money conflicts with a goddamn lawyer! The lady at NAMC said she would send out a work order, so they can "review" my situation and I should call back in 7 days. I am halfway tempted to drive my ass to San Antonio and show up in person in 7 days and not leave until they hand me a freakin' receipt! Can you picture this? Me standing in their offices with a handful of paperwork and call logs (you damn right, I have made notes and written down the name of every person I've spoken to over the last year!), a manic 5 y.o. running around and a crying, crabby baby on my hip, tapping my foot and giving the evil eye waiting for them to provide me with a resolution to this issue. You think they'd deal with me or just call security?

What happened to the days of customer service and ethics? Long gone I suppose, it's every person for themselves. But this little girl ain't backin' down. I'm in it for the long haul!

Glory, glory hallelujah

This started out to be one of my more piss poor days. Cranky baby, dirty house, broken microwave handle (what the hell is up with that, flimsy piece of crap!), not to mention just a general case of the doldrums. Maybe it's all the rain, you would think after living 4 years in Oregon, rain would pose no problems, but it is the sheer amount that killin' me! In Oregon it's usually a gentle mist, not pouring cats and dogs! Anyway... I digress.

I went out to run a few errands, got new bathroom stuff for the kiddos, that made me a little happier as I got to pick out bright orange, blue and lime green towels. I mean really, can you get a color scheme much cheerier? I think not. But alas, the littlest munchkin got tired and wanted to come home for a nap, however I did stop to get my mail on the way. In amongst various pieces of shit mail, there was an ominous something from Blue Cross Blue Shield (the insurance company I had when I gave birth to my daughter in June 2006). I did NOT want to open it as I have been fighting with them and NAMC for, well a YEAR, over expenses accrued due to infant care. It has been a nightmare! NAMC filing and claiming that BCBS denied, calling BCBS and asking "what the hell?" and them saying they never received a claim for said amount, then getting nasty calls from NAMC's national office that handles collections. Those guys are a serious bunch of assholes and they are lucky they are located in freakin' Minnesota or somewhere up north, cause if they were within driving distance, one or two of them would have needed to have my foot removed from their asses! I just don't understand why they had to be so stinkin' mean! I was doing everything I could to resolve things... well short of paying for something that wasn't my responsibility! So for over a year, calls to and from BCBS and NAMC, being told by the hospital I owed, being told by the insurance I didn't. No wonder I ended up in the ER in February with chest pain!

Anyway, with fear and dread, I opened the letter, and much to my surprise and subsequent breakdown into a gushing, bawling mess, someone FINALLY got it right, billed it properly and my insurance paid what THEY owed. Leaving me with a balance of $159 of which I had already made a payment (to avoid going to collections 6 mos. ago) of $125, henceforth a remainder of $34 was due. I called NAMC rattled off my account number to verify that all this stuff was true and they said "yes", I posted my payment of $34, insisted on a receipt stating "PAID IN FULL" which they will mail tomorrow and my day has now become the 4 best day of my life!!! And if NAMC thinks I will EVER go to them for my medical needs, they are sadly mistaken. They can absolutely kiss my lilly-white ASS!

It's been a long time!

Wow! It's been almost a month since my last post! Time flies with a baby, an active 5 y.o., a traveling husband, a broken toe, and remodeling! But now that I have things down to a dull roar, I have a few minutes to myself while someone is watching "Over the Hedge" and the little missy is looking out the storm door. There are a couple of things that have been on my mind for a bit. I will probably address them in two different entries as not to distract myself.

First things first, there is a big stink in the state of Texas right now over a bill they want to pass that requires voters to provide an ID with the voter registration card (to prevent voter fraud and the such). People are freaking out! I am not at all understanding what the big deal is. If I'm not mistaken, everytime I use my credit card I am asked for identification. I provide this information and we all go about our lives, happy as clams. I understand that even though it is a bit of a nuisance to pull the ID out of the wallet, it does, for the most part assure the company of my identity and henceforth allow them and myself a feeling of comfort that someone is not fraudulently using my card. Why is this any different for voting? I am fine with the state asking me to prove that I am actually the person on the voter registration card. Many of the groups that are beside themselves over this represent older citizens. What, do old people not have identification? I mean with the amount of paperwork and crap that an elderly person has to endure using medicaid and all that nonsense, I am sure they have to have SOME form of identification. Or is it just too hard for people to remember to bring identification to the polling place? Once again, have I missed something? If you were able to get in the car and drive to the polling place, then I would assume, as the law requires, that you would have some form of driver's license with you. And if you had to take public transit, I would assume you would need money or your bus pass which would most likely reside in your wallet where SOME form of identification would most likely be. So really...what is the big freakin' deal?? I guarantee that having to provide a piece of identification is NOT going to keep me from casting my ballot!

Sometimes life is good.

My posts of late have been a little deep. A scary incident caused me to really take a long hard look at my life and my possible lack thereof. But sometimes...life is just good. I spent my morning feeding children, doing dishes, putting away the last bits of clothing from suitcases and schooling my son. He took his review test in his math program and quite frankly blew me away. He may be an annoying little turd and it may seem that he isn't paying attention at times, but that is when he completely catches me off guard! His comprehension of things is incredible. So, although it seems that the only thing he listens to is his iPod, it turns out that he actually must pay attention to at least some of what I teach him. It's a great feeling. Not to mention the look of pride in HIS eyes when he knows he's done well!

I couldn't help but take advantage of the GORGEOUS weather today. I packed up my children and a nifty, little picnic and headed to the park to meet up with my friend and her children. We had a lovely lunch under the trees and proceeded to share the wealth with the local duck population at the pond. Each family was armed with a loaf of bread to feed the hungry fowl. The sun was shining, the water was rippling in the breeze and we were bombarded by hordes of hungry ducks looking for a hand out. There were several that must have been young as they still had those soft downy feathers. You couldn't imagine cuter ducks! And since they were young, they weren't as cautious as their older counterparts, and they were twice as excited about getting free food so they ventured closer. Normally I wouldn't even think to do it, but they were so cute that I caught myself reaching out to pet their backs. They were so soft and sweet, and completely gullible, and it made me giggle.

After feeding and petting ducks, my friend and I took the kiddos to the playscape and embarked on some much needed adult conversation. It is amazing how nice it is to speak to an adult when your main source of conversation on a daily basis is a 5 year old! Not to say I don't treasure conversations with my child, but it is nice to converse about something other than Hot Wheels cars, Lightning McQueen, or pooping and farting!

Anyway, it was a lovely day, spent outdoors with happy children, silly ducks, a good friend and chocolate chip cookies. Now really...could you ask for anything better?