Missing her.

My baby just turned 7 months old and with that came a major change. She has slept in the bed with us since her birth but for some reason a week or so ago, she just started waking alot with every little noise or rustle of the sheets. She was definitely not getting much sleep which was causing everyone else in the house not to get much sleep, therefore making life generally miserable! So we decided maybe she was needing to transition to the crib. We started this about 4 nights ago and things have gone well. Three of the four nights she actually slept all night with no feedings or anything! She goes down around 8:30 or 9pm and I wake up, shocked, at 6:30am when she cries and wants to nurse.

Now I don't want you to think that I am not grateful to have my own bed back. To actually be able to have deep sleep and not worry about where the baby is or if the covers are too close to her face or if my son has crawled in bed and laid down on her is great! However...I MISS HER SO BAD!!! I miss having that warm little body to curl up around. I miss feeling her little hand reach out in the dark, searching for me. I miss the wonderful smell and the soft, fuzziness of her hair. I miss the small sighing and cooing noises she makes in her sleep. And although my brain knows it is totally ridiculous, my heart feels sad that she doesn't want or need me close anymore for that comfort. I am left with this little void, kind of like the void that my body felt when she was born, knowing that this progression is normal, but feeling empty and sad nonetheless.

I have said it a million times, motherhood is as much a curse as a miracle. You are given the most precious thing in life only to have it slowly taken away from you. And you watch with joy and pride at all the accomplishments and all the milestones then you secretly go and cry your eyes out because the most amazing thing you have ever known is one step closer to walking out the door and embarking on a life of its own. Bittersweet.