What a pain in my ass, after 5 years with no problems, I am having panic attacks again. And not just little, annoying, pansy-ass ones--full blown, can't breathe, dizzy, anxious, debilitating. I used to be a chronic panic attack girl, they were mild, but enough that I sought medication to help. Then when I left my job in the operating room and embarked on life as a stay-at-home mom, they miraculously disappeared about 6-8 months after the birth of my son. Makes sense, I wasn't working hellish hours, I wasn't dealing with life and death situations, I didn't have a boss to answer to (or 12 anesthesiologists for that matter), I had one "boss" and that was my son. Not saying that having a new baby isn't extremely stressful, but stressful in a different way. Any bullshit or craziness I endured was for the betterment of him and that made things meaningful. So this trend continued until Feb. of this year. Feb. 5th was the day I thought I was literally dying. I ended up in the ER after loss of consciousness, chest pain and shortness of breath. It scared the shit out of me! And therefore started the ball rolling for these damn panic attacks to come back. Man, it pisses me off!
Since that day I have been absolutely plagued by an irrational fear of dying. At least once every day or so I am absolutely overwhelmed with this fear. Do I know I'm healthy... sure. Do I know my fear is completely irrational... of course. Does this help... no. It sneaks up on me, gets me all frazzled and then come the panic attacks. I am aware that we will all die, I am also aware that if I did die, my children will be loved and cared for. Still, this is no comfort. And if all this stupid crap weren't enough, the stress of fighting with insurance companies and hospitals, as well as remodeling my house, still trying to adjust to a new baby, having a complete asshole for a father and now having a husband that has to travel quite a bit for his job, seems two-fold. But what annoys me the most is I just can't seem to shake this proverbial monkey of my back! My life isn't anymore stressful than the next person's. I'm sure everyone has an underlying fear of death. But here I am, dealing with these damn panic attacks again! I am seeking out a therapist to maybe help. I don't know, I'm not a big fan of meds, not to mention I'm still breastfeeding and don't think my baby girl needs a healthy dose of Paxil along with me. Besides, meds will only mask my symptoms, it won't fix the problem. So off I'll go to spill my heart out to strangers... wait a minute, isn't that what I'm doing here? I have to admit, writing about shit does make me feel better and help to process things. But hopefully I can get my fears and stress under control soon, I have way too much to live for to waste so much time worrying about death!
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Creationism and Dinosaurs
As I have stated, I am a homeschooler. I am involved in a very active, very diverse homeschooler group and I love it. For a long time, the majority of families in this group were pretty liberal and mellow, but there has been a more recent influx of religious, conservatives. OK, that's fine, I'm cool with someone believing what they want as long as they don't try to sell it to me. I am one of those girls that lives in the blissful area where I don't know what the hell there is. Maybe there's a god, maybe not, maybe there's reincarnation, maybe not, maybe there's nothing. Basically, I won't know what the ultimate truth is until I die. So I don't really bother with it. Anyway, I was reading my posts from my yahoo group this morning and came across a woman who was looking for history materials, mainly in regards to dinosaurs. OK this doesn't sound off the wall, but then the kicker, she wanted curriculum that discussed the dinosaurs in a creationist view. Really?!? I didn't realize that creationism took dinosaurs into account. So I surfed the web, because I'm not all that well-versed in creationism. Seems as though there are many different views, some believe dinos never existed, some cruel joke being played on us by Satan (or time-traveling Athiest scientists--I LOVE that idea by the way!) Then there are some that believe dinos existed, but I guess caught a ride on the Ark with everyone else, but shortly became extinct after the flood. Shit, if dinos were on that boat, I highly doubt it would have floated AND I'm pretty sure, no other animals would have arrived at the said destination due to being ingested by velociraptors and T-Rex's! It really does kind of freak me out how people can manipulate the facts in order to fit any scenario. "We don't believe in evolution, but those damn dinosaurs and prehistoric hominids really screw shit up, better come up with a story quick to cover our asses!" Anyway, I just thought the idea of discussing dinosaurs from a creationist viewpoint was just asinine! If you happen to be a creationist, by all means, enlighten me! I am interested to hear your side of things. Anyone else is welcome to chime in as well! Ciao!
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Gripes of the day.
I was just perusing my HOA website as my neighbor had forwarded the link so I could read up on why the pool is closed. Turns out we have vandals that decided to scale the fence and rip up the filter and cause general havoc. Little bastards. I don't know what it is about people. Are we that bored or that stupid that we can't find anything better to do than screw things up? It's like the hackers, why do they write horrible viruses that crash peoples' computers? Because they are bored and just want to see if they can. Seriously, people need to get jobs and get lives. Go to the library, go to Sonic and get a coke, go bowling, but for cryin' out loud, STOP SCREWING WITH SHIT! Use your knowledge or your angst or whatever motivates you for the good of the world. If these vandals (whether real world or cyberspace) would put half the effort into doing something constructive for our planet, maybe we would have figured out how to power our vehicles without relying on foreign oil, or maybe we might have a grip on global warming, or possibly figured out how to wipe out diabetes or HIV! And what makes people so apt to be assholes? I don't know, could it be the fact that practically every show on television is this "reality" bullshit that basically shows a bunch of people being assholes to each other. Trying to screw each other over in order to get the money or the man or the fame? Sometimes I feel like the only shows worth watching are my son's shows. At least the little characters help each other, help animals and strive to be good little citizens. We as adults could learn alot from these values!
OK, bitch number 2. On this HOA website, I also found out that someone is trying to get a portion of our rural area re-zoned for commercial space. I understand that this part of town is growing, there is alot of development going on. This area was zoned specifically to offer a buffer between the commercial land available on the main road and the neighborhood. But whoever bought the land next to the main road wants to purchase this land to expand the Asian marketplace that is scheduled to go in. OK, first of all, the land they have for this venture is plenty big! It could be a massive shopping center, why do they need more? Mostly since not more than a mile and a half away is a brand new Asian marketplace that is HUGE!!! It kind of seems like overkill to me. Like having two malls within 2 miles, what's the point? I welcome a small and quaint center with some new cuisine and possibly a nice market, it sounds great, but I don't at all want some huge paved giganto commercial space backed right up to the neighborhood. So I guess I'll be sending my email to the zoning people and telling them so. Maybe there will be enough people in the neighborhood bitching that they'll get the point. But I'm not terribly optimistic. Seems like commercial business pretty overrides just about anyone and anything in this day and age. After all, ask the folks off Anderson Lane who didn't want that gargantuan 24-hour Wal-mart in the middle of their neighborhood! They petitioned and boycotted and wrote to city council, showed up for the meetings and did everything they could, but in the long run, Wal-Mart had better lawyers and more money so they prevailed. I am interested to know just when private citizens became the bottom of the heap. We hire politicians to speak for us, yet they are funded by big business, so it seems as though no one is looking out for the little guys (Average Joe and Jane aka you and me!). Pretty messed up if you ask me.
OK, bitch number 2. On this HOA website, I also found out that someone is trying to get a portion of our rural area re-zoned for commercial space. I understand that this part of town is growing, there is alot of development going on. This area was zoned specifically to offer a buffer between the commercial land available on the main road and the neighborhood. But whoever bought the land next to the main road wants to purchase this land to expand the Asian marketplace that is scheduled to go in. OK, first of all, the land they have for this venture is plenty big! It could be a massive shopping center, why do they need more? Mostly since not more than a mile and a half away is a brand new Asian marketplace that is HUGE!!! It kind of seems like overkill to me. Like having two malls within 2 miles, what's the point? I welcome a small and quaint center with some new cuisine and possibly a nice market, it sounds great, but I don't at all want some huge paved giganto commercial space backed right up to the neighborhood. So I guess I'll be sending my email to the zoning people and telling them so. Maybe there will be enough people in the neighborhood bitching that they'll get the point. But I'm not terribly optimistic. Seems like commercial business pretty overrides just about anyone and anything in this day and age. After all, ask the folks off Anderson Lane who didn't want that gargantuan 24-hour Wal-mart in the middle of their neighborhood! They petitioned and boycotted and wrote to city council, showed up for the meetings and did everything they could, but in the long run, Wal-Mart had better lawyers and more money so they prevailed. I am interested to know just when private citizens became the bottom of the heap. We hire politicians to speak for us, yet they are funded by big business, so it seems as though no one is looking out for the little guys (Average Joe and Jane aka you and me!). Pretty messed up if you ask me.
What a pain!
So, I've been trying to add a photo as a page element for like a month now and it never seemed to take. The hubby decided to take the photo, send it to the web and try to post it that way. Well, we made some progress, but I was never actually able to save it! I began to wonder if it is a glitch between blogger and Mac, so I forwarded the link to my photo to myself, ran upstairs to my son's room (he has a PC) and tried to post it that way. Well, as you can see, it was successful. So it must be a Mac thing. I guess PC's are good for something after all!
Monday, July 16, 2007
Shaving
Trina's seriously random observation of the day... shaving SUCKS! I really hate shaving, it is a pain in the ass, wobbling around on one foot while wielding a sharp object in one hand and trying not to fall on your butt while you strive for optimum smoothness on your legs! Armpits aren't so bad, no balancing act there. I am sure there have been many women that ended up in the ER after busting ass in the shower trying to shave! At least guys get to stand on dry ground and look in a mirror.
If I wasn't adverse to looking like a Wookie, I wouldn't do it all. But as much as I hate to admit it, I think a woman with slick, hairless legs is gorgeous! There is something about the shape of the calf that is so much more enhanced when there is no hair present. The pains we go through to accomplish this though. And it isn't like there are good alternatives to shaving. There is Nair and the such, but I prefer to stay away from that stuff, it's so nasty it should be used in chemical warfare. And then waxing, yeah, not a big fan of someone slathering me in hot wax and ripping my hair out by the follicles. I subject myself to waxing for my eyebrows and can't even imagine having that pain transferred to a much larger surface area! I think technically, eyebrow waxing hurts bad enough that it makes you go blind for like 12 seconds! And I don't even want to think about bikini and Brazilian waxing, some areas should just be left alone! (Not to mention I'm not too keen on having strangers in those areas!) And as much as I never want to get waxed there, I never want a job where I am administering wax there, EEWWW! But I digress... I suppose there is laser hair removal, but who can afford that? I'm thinking spending like a buck a follicle to have someone singe it out of existence with a laser is a little much! I also remember in the late 80's there was something called the Epi-Lady, a supposedly pain-free alternative to shaving. Yeah, pain free if you were a PARAPLEGIC!!! My best friend got one as a gift, I tried it once and determined it would be better used to subdue criminals!
So I guess I'm stuck, teetering around in the shower, cursing whoever came up with the idea of shaving, at least until I'm old enough not to give a shit anymore and let my Wookie flag fly!
If I wasn't adverse to looking like a Wookie, I wouldn't do it all. But as much as I hate to admit it, I think a woman with slick, hairless legs is gorgeous! There is something about the shape of the calf that is so much more enhanced when there is no hair present. The pains we go through to accomplish this though. And it isn't like there are good alternatives to shaving. There is Nair and the such, but I prefer to stay away from that stuff, it's so nasty it should be used in chemical warfare. And then waxing, yeah, not a big fan of someone slathering me in hot wax and ripping my hair out by the follicles. I subject myself to waxing for my eyebrows and can't even imagine having that pain transferred to a much larger surface area! I think technically, eyebrow waxing hurts bad enough that it makes you go blind for like 12 seconds! And I don't even want to think about bikini and Brazilian waxing, some areas should just be left alone! (Not to mention I'm not too keen on having strangers in those areas!) And as much as I never want to get waxed there, I never want a job where I am administering wax there, EEWWW! But I digress... I suppose there is laser hair removal, but who can afford that? I'm thinking spending like a buck a follicle to have someone singe it out of existence with a laser is a little much! I also remember in the late 80's there was something called the Epi-Lady, a supposedly pain-free alternative to shaving. Yeah, pain free if you were a PARAPLEGIC!!! My best friend got one as a gift, I tried it once and determined it would be better used to subdue criminals!
So I guess I'm stuck, teetering around in the shower, cursing whoever came up with the idea of shaving, at least until I'm old enough not to give a shit anymore and let my Wookie flag fly!
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Question for the ladies...
My neighbor's daughter is turning 10 years old next month. She is compiling a book for her that is to contain bits of wisdom to help her through her teenage years. She is asking each woman that is participating to share an experience or some information that we think is important for her to know as she becomes a young woman. I have a few ideas, of course, but was curious what some of the rest of you might think is an important thing for a girl to know. Here are a couple of my ideas:
1. Never believe you have to define yourself by a man. Too many young women that I see are so caught up in making sure they have a man, many get pregnant to keep their man, many put up with abuse and others just cling all because society or culture says that a woman HAS to have a man. I'm not saying she shouldn't strive to find love and happiness, but she needs to know that a woman is a powerful and important entity all on her own!
2. Don't get caught up on physical appearance. As long as you are a good and beautiful person on the inside, it will emanate and reflect on the outside. Women of all sizes, shapes, and colors are BEAUTIFUL!
One that I would love to address is never be fooled that lust is really love. Many boys will say they love you just to get in your pants! Don't believe them! If they truly love you, they'll respect your boundaries and allow you to explore your sexuality in your own time. However, I'm not sure my neighbor would be too keen on me talking sex with her 10 year-old!
And 3. Believe you can do anything! There are no limits, be who and what makes you happy! Although, financially it may be alot smarter to get a degree in accounting or engineering, if this isn't something that truly makes you happy, it will only fill your pocketbook and not your heart!
OK ladies... what are your thoughts?!?!
1. Never believe you have to define yourself by a man. Too many young women that I see are so caught up in making sure they have a man, many get pregnant to keep their man, many put up with abuse and others just cling all because society or culture says that a woman HAS to have a man. I'm not saying she shouldn't strive to find love and happiness, but she needs to know that a woman is a powerful and important entity all on her own!
2. Don't get caught up on physical appearance. As long as you are a good and beautiful person on the inside, it will emanate and reflect on the outside. Women of all sizes, shapes, and colors are BEAUTIFUL!
One that I would love to address is never be fooled that lust is really love. Many boys will say they love you just to get in your pants! Don't believe them! If they truly love you, they'll respect your boundaries and allow you to explore your sexuality in your own time. However, I'm not sure my neighbor would be too keen on me talking sex with her 10 year-old!
And 3. Believe you can do anything! There are no limits, be who and what makes you happy! Although, financially it may be alot smarter to get a degree in accounting or engineering, if this isn't something that truly makes you happy, it will only fill your pocketbook and not your heart!
OK ladies... what are your thoughts?!?!
Friday, July 13, 2007
Bummed!
So my hubby has been in Oregon for the past 3 days on business (he'll be back tomorrow, yea!). Anyway, we used to live in Oregon and I miss the crap out of it! Granted, he's in Bend and we lived in Portland, but still, he's in the Pacific NW (where my heart belongs) without me! I know it's business, but... NO FAIR, NO FAIR, NO FAIR!!!!! He called me on his first day there and was like, "Well Bend is pretty small, not many places to eat, guess I'll just have to eat at McMenamin's or Pizzacato!" If I could have, I would have reached through the phone and bitch-slapped him! So he got to have a nice pint (or two) of Terminator Stout at McMenamin's yesterday, not to mention the fact that he had lunch at the Deschutes Brewery where he had Black Butte Porter (holy shit that stuff is good!). So he is up there drinking great micro-brewed beer while I'm here trying to kick my coke habit! Maybe if I had Black Butte Porter to drink, I wouldn't want a coke so bad! I really need to get an Oregon fix soon! I keep hoping next year will be the magic year. The baby will be 2, the boy will be 6, and it would be an enjoyable trip for all! Then I will be swilling down stout with the best of them and eating luscious, juicy, Irish Dip Sandwiches followed by marionberry cobbler with vanilla ice cream! (Please picture Homer Simpson, head back, eyes rolling, tongue out and drooling, AAAAAggghhhhhhhhh!)
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Serenity NOW!
Just as a precursor, I want to assure everyone that I ADORE my little boy. He is the most amazing thing on the planet, smart, funny, totally silly and without a doubt the coolest 5 year-old I know. That being said, HE DROVE ME CRAZY today! And I don't mean that he kind of annoyed me... he drove me full-on, stark-raving, wanting to pull my hair out or catch it on fire and run down the street naked, kind of crazy! There are three main issues that have just persisted the whole day, well, until now when he is sleeping soundly over on the couch. The first being the "Mommy what's your favorite _______?" Favorite food, favorite animal, favorite safari animal, favorite number, favorite type of t-shirt, favorite piece of furniture, favorite car, favorite leaf, and the list goes on (infinity!). OK, this was slightly endearing the first couple of times he asked, but it has now been going on for months and he asks me the same shit all the time! I have already answered my favorite soup, my favorite book, my favorite town in NM, etc... I wish he would ask something different, or better yet, just drop the favorites thing for like a week to allow my brain to recupe from this heinous abuse! Of course what's funny is he offers to tell me his faves, yet he doesn't seem to quite understand the concept of favorite. He has 8 favorite foods and 3 favorite animals, and six favorite places. Anyway, after awhile, I hear the word favorite and I want to gouge a fork into one ear, through my brain and out the other ear!
Now the second issue is truly sweet and I feel like a heel that it makes me crazy, but he has been following me around for days telling me how much he loves me. "I love you to two-billion!" "I love you to outer space and back and back out and back home and back out and back again!" I love you as high as that airplane!" And the clencher is, "I love you more than you love me!" I HATE that one! I try to explain it's not a contest. I tell him I love him more than anything and I am happy he loves me too, but I'm not going to compete to see who loves who more! I know he's only 5, and this concept of love, and who you love versus who you like versus who you don't like, is kind of gray right now. He tells me he loves everyone he's ever met. Sweet, but so naive! I just wish I could convince him to just tell me he loves me, that's all I need, no frills, no comparisons, just that he loves me is all I ever need to know.
The third issue is one that I don't see getting resolved anytime soon. Anyone with children I would assume has this same issue, but it was just that it was compounded with the other two today that threw me over the edge. He interrupts what I'm doing to ask me a question (this is actually NOT a problem, questions are always welcome). However, halfway through the answer he either starts talking about something else or you can tell he is paying attention to anything else but me. OK, why does he ask the question if he doesn't want to hear the answer??? Is it just to get my attention, is it just because I'm doing the dishes and he wants to interrupt what I'm doing, or am I just that damn dull that I can't keep his attention for 2 minutes? But that's not the kicker... he will ask the question, not listen to the answer and two hours later ask me the SAME FREAKIN' QUESTION!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
Oh well, tomorrow is another day. And like I said, he is totally conked out on the couch and looking so blissful and sweet, I certainly can't stay aggravated with him. He is a punk and he drives me crazy, but he's mine and my worst day WITH him is better than any day I ever had without him! So I'm off to carry his 40-lb. ass up the stairs to tuck him in and give him a kiss.
Signing off.
Now the second issue is truly sweet and I feel like a heel that it makes me crazy, but he has been following me around for days telling me how much he loves me. "I love you to two-billion!" "I love you to outer space and back and back out and back home and back out and back again!" I love you as high as that airplane!" And the clencher is, "I love you more than you love me!" I HATE that one! I try to explain it's not a contest. I tell him I love him more than anything and I am happy he loves me too, but I'm not going to compete to see who loves who more! I know he's only 5, and this concept of love, and who you love versus who you like versus who you don't like, is kind of gray right now. He tells me he loves everyone he's ever met. Sweet, but so naive! I just wish I could convince him to just tell me he loves me, that's all I need, no frills, no comparisons, just that he loves me is all I ever need to know.
The third issue is one that I don't see getting resolved anytime soon. Anyone with children I would assume has this same issue, but it was just that it was compounded with the other two today that threw me over the edge. He interrupts what I'm doing to ask me a question (this is actually NOT a problem, questions are always welcome). However, halfway through the answer he either starts talking about something else or you can tell he is paying attention to anything else but me. OK, why does he ask the question if he doesn't want to hear the answer??? Is it just to get my attention, is it just because I'm doing the dishes and he wants to interrupt what I'm doing, or am I just that damn dull that I can't keep his attention for 2 minutes? But that's not the kicker... he will ask the question, not listen to the answer and two hours later ask me the SAME FREAKIN' QUESTION!!!!! AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
Oh well, tomorrow is another day. And like I said, he is totally conked out on the couch and looking so blissful and sweet, I certainly can't stay aggravated with him. He is a punk and he drives me crazy, but he's mine and my worst day WITH him is better than any day I ever had without him! So I'm off to carry his 40-lb. ass up the stairs to tuck him in and give him a kiss.
Signing off.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Too good to be true!
Seems as though my mega-happy dance and celebration over the resolution of my woes with NAMC were a bit premature. The receipt they promised to send stating "PAID IN FULL" arrived, however, it showed I paid my $34 yet I still have a balance of $455! And people wonder why, in this day and age, people freak out and go totally postal! I have wasted countless hours over the last year arguing with these assholes and I finally think things are finished, kaput, finito, but NOOOOOO!
I tell you what though, this mild-mannered, suburban mother is about to become a full-blown, raging, ass-kicking bitch with these people! I called them this morning and they are giving me some bullshit about how BCBS paid $550 then turned around months later and recuped that payment, so therefore NAMC is recuping their contractual adjustment of $455. OK, whatever, I still don't see how that affects my bottom line in the least. If the initial bill (and mind you, I have a fully itemized bill FROM THEM) was $1596 (which is what they billed the insurance) and the insurance subsequently paid approximately $1437, leaving a balance of $159 that was my responsibility and I made $125 payment in Jan. and then a $34 payment last week, how the hell can they say I owe them any more money?!?!? I swear, if I didn't think most attorneys were as bloodsucking as the hospitals, I would be contacting and attorney to deal with this shit. But that's all I need is to have money conflicts with a goddamn lawyer! The lady at NAMC said she would send out a work order, so they can "review" my situation and I should call back in 7 days. I am halfway tempted to drive my ass to San Antonio and show up in person in 7 days and not leave until they hand me a freakin' receipt! Can you picture this? Me standing in their offices with a handful of paperwork and call logs (you damn right, I have made notes and written down the name of every person I've spoken to over the last year!), a manic 5 y.o. running around and a crying, crabby baby on my hip, tapping my foot and giving the evil eye waiting for them to provide me with a resolution to this issue. You think they'd deal with me or just call security?
What happened to the days of customer service and ethics? Long gone I suppose, it's every person for themselves. But this little girl ain't backin' down. I'm in it for the long haul!
I tell you what though, this mild-mannered, suburban mother is about to become a full-blown, raging, ass-kicking bitch with these people! I called them this morning and they are giving me some bullshit about how BCBS paid $550 then turned around months later and recuped that payment, so therefore NAMC is recuping their contractual adjustment of $455. OK, whatever, I still don't see how that affects my bottom line in the least. If the initial bill (and mind you, I have a fully itemized bill FROM THEM) was $1596 (which is what they billed the insurance) and the insurance subsequently paid approximately $1437, leaving a balance of $159 that was my responsibility and I made $125 payment in Jan. and then a $34 payment last week, how the hell can they say I owe them any more money?!?!? I swear, if I didn't think most attorneys were as bloodsucking as the hospitals, I would be contacting and attorney to deal with this shit. But that's all I need is to have money conflicts with a goddamn lawyer! The lady at NAMC said she would send out a work order, so they can "review" my situation and I should call back in 7 days. I am halfway tempted to drive my ass to San Antonio and show up in person in 7 days and not leave until they hand me a freakin' receipt! Can you picture this? Me standing in their offices with a handful of paperwork and call logs (you damn right, I have made notes and written down the name of every person I've spoken to over the last year!), a manic 5 y.o. running around and a crying, crabby baby on my hip, tapping my foot and giving the evil eye waiting for them to provide me with a resolution to this issue. You think they'd deal with me or just call security?
What happened to the days of customer service and ethics? Long gone I suppose, it's every person for themselves. But this little girl ain't backin' down. I'm in it for the long haul!
Monday, July 09, 2007
Shaking a bad habit, or at least trying!
Seven months into my last pregnancy, I began to crave Cherry Cokes from Sonic (sweet nectar of the gods!). My developing fetus was bombarded with food coloring, carbonation and caffeine every afternoon for the duration of her stay in my womb! In fact, by the time she was born I was so addicted that the first thing I asked for on my way out of the hospital was a Cherry Coke from Sonic. And so the trend has continued. Granted, I can't afford my Sonic Cherry Coke habit, so I settle for Coke Classic in cans here at home. It gets me the caffeine and it still tastes pretty good. It has been an integral factor in my motivation to work on home improvement projects! I wasn't always like this. In fact, before that craving kicked in, I very rarely drank carbonated beverages of any sort. I'm usually more of a tea, water and milk kinda girl! But I am now in the grips of a full blown Coke addiction and I need to shake it... BAD!
Saturday afternoon was my last Cherry Coke at Sonic. I savored every last little drop! Needless to say, the rest of Saturday was fine. I had my good afternoon buzz and life was swell. Then Sunday afternoon came around and that old familiar feeling hit. The need for a good caffeine rush! I was out running some errands and thought, well, it wouldn't hurt anything if I just grabbed a coke out of the cooler at Lowe's and drank it while finishing up my business. They only had Gatorade and water. You know, if I had just bought the water, life might not have sucked as bad, but I was pouting. On the way home I had to stop at Walgreens so I figured I'd pick up a cold one while I was there. Imagine my dismay when I found that the Coke cooler had only Vanilla Coke, Diet Vanilla Coke and Diet Cherry Coke. I'm sorry, but I'm a purist, I will only consume a flavored coke if it is a flavored FOUNTAIN coke, these imposters in a can just won't do! So I left without a coke. It seems I was not destined to consume a Coke yesterday, some weird karmic quirk to keep me on the wagon. Once I got home I was on the edge! I wanted that coke so bad I could hardly stand it! And if my craving wasn't bad enough, my hubby went out to the garage fridge and cracked open a Diet Coke in the other room. I heard the tab pop and I all but lost my freakin' mind! When I yelled at him, he smiled, held up his Diet Coke to offer me "cheers" and then said I was more than welcome to help myself to a Diet Coke. Curse that EVIL, EVIL man!
So, I made it through the afternoon and last night. I am fine now as I have just downed an ENORMOUS cup of English Tea. But I am dreading the afternoon. I better make a pitcher of iced tea (my methadone for caffeine addiction!), it's not as satisfying, but I'm hoping it will get me through the day. I figure if I can make it a week without a coke, I'm home free! Unfortunately, my poor little boy will be going through withdrawals with me, as addicted as I am to Cherry Coke, he is to oceanwater and Cherry Limeades! So if you see a frazzled mom with a twitching eye and a deranged 5 y.o., just stand back and try not to get in the way, we can't take responsibility for our actions at this time!
Saturday afternoon was my last Cherry Coke at Sonic. I savored every last little drop! Needless to say, the rest of Saturday was fine. I had my good afternoon buzz and life was swell. Then Sunday afternoon came around and that old familiar feeling hit. The need for a good caffeine rush! I was out running some errands and thought, well, it wouldn't hurt anything if I just grabbed a coke out of the cooler at Lowe's and drank it while finishing up my business. They only had Gatorade and water. You know, if I had just bought the water, life might not have sucked as bad, but I was pouting. On the way home I had to stop at Walgreens so I figured I'd pick up a cold one while I was there. Imagine my dismay when I found that the Coke cooler had only Vanilla Coke, Diet Vanilla Coke and Diet Cherry Coke. I'm sorry, but I'm a purist, I will only consume a flavored coke if it is a flavored FOUNTAIN coke, these imposters in a can just won't do! So I left without a coke. It seems I was not destined to consume a Coke yesterday, some weird karmic quirk to keep me on the wagon. Once I got home I was on the edge! I wanted that coke so bad I could hardly stand it! And if my craving wasn't bad enough, my hubby went out to the garage fridge and cracked open a Diet Coke in the other room. I heard the tab pop and I all but lost my freakin' mind! When I yelled at him, he smiled, held up his Diet Coke to offer me "cheers" and then said I was more than welcome to help myself to a Diet Coke. Curse that EVIL, EVIL man!
So, I made it through the afternoon and last night. I am fine now as I have just downed an ENORMOUS cup of English Tea. But I am dreading the afternoon. I better make a pitcher of iced tea (my methadone for caffeine addiction!), it's not as satisfying, but I'm hoping it will get me through the day. I figure if I can make it a week without a coke, I'm home free! Unfortunately, my poor little boy will be going through withdrawals with me, as addicted as I am to Cherry Coke, he is to oceanwater and Cherry Limeades! So if you see a frazzled mom with a twitching eye and a deranged 5 y.o., just stand back and try not to get in the way, we can't take responsibility for our actions at this time!
Thursday, July 05, 2007
In addendum to last post...
I was just thinking that the best thing about the end of my whole insurance and medical facility debacle is the fact that I persevered! I did not let those assholes push me into paying a penny more than I owed! It sucked, it was stressful and I sometimes thought I would rather just pay the damn thing off and be done with it. But I didn't, I fought my ass off and it eventually paid off. So if any of you are faced with this same type of thing, being bullied by the giants of insurance and medical care, don't give up! Maybe if more of us dig our heels in and decide we aren't gonna take this shit anymore, things might start to change! We all deserve good medical care and we shouldn't have to put up with this bureaucratic bullshit to get it!
Glory, glory hallelujah
This started out to be one of my more piss poor days. Cranky baby, dirty house, broken microwave handle (what the hell is up with that, flimsy piece of crap!), not to mention just a general case of the doldrums. Maybe it's all the rain, you would think after living 4 years in Oregon, rain would pose no problems, but it is the sheer amount that killin' me! In Oregon it's usually a gentle mist, not pouring cats and dogs! Anyway... I digress.
I went out to run a few errands, got new bathroom stuff for the kiddos, that made me a little happier as I got to pick out bright orange, blue and lime green towels. I mean really, can you get a color scheme much cheerier? I think not. But alas, the littlest munchkin got tired and wanted to come home for a nap, however I did stop to get my mail on the way. In amongst various pieces of shit mail, there was an ominous something from Blue Cross Blue Shield (the insurance company I had when I gave birth to my daughter in June 2006). I did NOT want to open it as I have been fighting with them and NAMC for, well a YEAR, over expenses accrued due to infant care. It has been a nightmare! NAMC filing and claiming that BCBS denied, calling BCBS and asking "what the hell?" and them saying they never received a claim for said amount, then getting nasty calls from NAMC's national office that handles collections. Those guys are a serious bunch of assholes and they are lucky they are located in freakin' Minnesota or somewhere up north, cause if they were within driving distance, one or two of them would have needed to have my foot removed from their asses! I just don't understand why they had to be so stinkin' mean! I was doing everything I could to resolve things... well short of paying for something that wasn't my responsibility! So for over a year, calls to and from BCBS and NAMC, being told by the hospital I owed, being told by the insurance I didn't. No wonder I ended up in the ER in February with chest pain!
Anyway, with fear and dread, I opened the letter, and much to my surprise and subsequent breakdown into a gushing, bawling mess, someone FINALLY got it right, billed it properly and my insurance paid what THEY owed. Leaving me with a balance of $159 of which I had already made a payment (to avoid going to collections 6 mos. ago) of $125, henceforth a remainder of $34 was due. I called NAMC rattled off my account number to verify that all this stuff was true and they said "yes", I posted my payment of $34, insisted on a receipt stating "PAID IN FULL" which they will mail tomorrow and my day has now become the 4 best day of my life!!! And if NAMC thinks I will EVER go to them for my medical needs, they are sadly mistaken. They can absolutely kiss my lilly-white ASS!
I went out to run a few errands, got new bathroom stuff for the kiddos, that made me a little happier as I got to pick out bright orange, blue and lime green towels. I mean really, can you get a color scheme much cheerier? I think not. But alas, the littlest munchkin got tired and wanted to come home for a nap, however I did stop to get my mail on the way. In amongst various pieces of shit mail, there was an ominous something from Blue Cross Blue Shield (the insurance company I had when I gave birth to my daughter in June 2006). I did NOT want to open it as I have been fighting with them and NAMC for, well a YEAR, over expenses accrued due to infant care. It has been a nightmare! NAMC filing and claiming that BCBS denied, calling BCBS and asking "what the hell?" and them saying they never received a claim for said amount, then getting nasty calls from NAMC's national office that handles collections. Those guys are a serious bunch of assholes and they are lucky they are located in freakin' Minnesota or somewhere up north, cause if they were within driving distance, one or two of them would have needed to have my foot removed from their asses! I just don't understand why they had to be so stinkin' mean! I was doing everything I could to resolve things... well short of paying for something that wasn't my responsibility! So for over a year, calls to and from BCBS and NAMC, being told by the hospital I owed, being told by the insurance I didn't. No wonder I ended up in the ER in February with chest pain!
Anyway, with fear and dread, I opened the letter, and much to my surprise and subsequent breakdown into a gushing, bawling mess, someone FINALLY got it right, billed it properly and my insurance paid what THEY owed. Leaving me with a balance of $159 of which I had already made a payment (to avoid going to collections 6 mos. ago) of $125, henceforth a remainder of $34 was due. I called NAMC rattled off my account number to verify that all this stuff was true and they said "yes", I posted my payment of $34, insisted on a receipt stating "PAID IN FULL" which they will mail tomorrow and my day has now become the 4 best day of my life!!! And if NAMC thinks I will EVER go to them for my medical needs, they are sadly mistaken. They can absolutely kiss my lilly-white ASS!
Great Quote
This was in the signature of an email I recently received and I really liked it, so I thought I would pass it along!
"Heaven preserve me from littleness and pleasantness and smoothness. Give me great glaring vices, and great glaring virtues, but preserve me from the neat little neutral ambiguities. Be wicked, be brave, be drunk, be reckless, be dissolute, be despotic, be an anarchist, be a suffragette, be anything you like, but for pity's sake be it to the top of your bent. Live fully, live passionately, live disastrously. Let's live, you and I, as none have ever lived before."
-Violet Trefusis to Vita Sackville-West, Oct. 1918
"Heaven preserve me from littleness and pleasantness and smoothness. Give me great glaring vices, and great glaring virtues, but preserve me from the neat little neutral ambiguities. Be wicked, be brave, be drunk, be reckless, be dissolute, be despotic, be an anarchist, be a suffragette, be anything you like, but for pity's sake be it to the top of your bent. Live fully, live passionately, live disastrously. Let's live, you and I, as none have ever lived before."
-Violet Trefusis to Vita Sackville-West, Oct. 1918
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Bitch is back!
Ok, that may be a little over the top, but it sounded like such a great title! The trip to NM was great, my kiddos had a blast, but I have to admit, I'm glad to be home! Traveling just kicks my ass! I used to drive this trip, before my daughter came into the picture, and it was quite enjoyable. My son and I would stop and play at parks, have a picnic and I had the opportunity to stop and take photos of crazy, old, decrepit buildings and farmhouses. It was great! But now I have to fly because 12 mo. old baby who is just becoming mobile doesn't dig being strapped into her seat for 9 hours (can't imagine why?!) But there is absolutely no joy in flying these days! ESPECIALLY if you're traveling with kids. When it was just one, it was a breeze, but flying solo with two rugrats SUCKS! It seems that there is no such thing as an underbooked flight anymore, so in my case I inevitably have to sit next to a stranger. I prefer my son to take the window seat because as much as I love him, I know he can be an annoying little turd sometimes! So I take the middle seat and the stranger gets the aisle. Well, if it isn't awkward enough having to sit elbow to elbow with a perfect stranger, try having to whip out a boob right next to them in order to placate an over-tired, screaming baby! As soon as you start getting situated, you can see the look in their eyes followed by the telltale sigh that signals they wish they had sat ANYWHERE else but there! Oh well, the choice is booby...screaming baby, booby...screaming baby, call me crazy but I think the booby is the lesser of the two evils!
I will admit though, that on the flight back, I did have a nice "single-serving" friend. She was another mom, heading home from a business trip and she was very kind and understanding. She even helped me soothe the crabby baby by letting her punch buttons on her iPod! But when we landed I was so glad to be on solid ground, so happy to breathe fresh air that hadn't been recirculated countless times, and SO glad to regain my personal space! I mean really... I don't even like being that close to people I know and love!
Next trip I think we will try to drive it and see if the Little Missy can maintain for a cross-state trip (especially now that we have the Mac-Daddy of carseats, you can't imagine how cushy that thing is!) All we can do is wait and see. But I think I'll just enjoy being home for awhile, wearing my shoes wherever I want to and carrying 20-oz bottles of Purell and needle-nose pliers in my diaper bag!
I will admit though, that on the flight back, I did have a nice "single-serving" friend. She was another mom, heading home from a business trip and she was very kind and understanding. She even helped me soothe the crabby baby by letting her punch buttons on her iPod! But when we landed I was so glad to be on solid ground, so happy to breathe fresh air that hadn't been recirculated countless times, and SO glad to regain my personal space! I mean really... I don't even like being that close to people I know and love!
Next trip I think we will try to drive it and see if the Little Missy can maintain for a cross-state trip (especially now that we have the Mac-Daddy of carseats, you can't imagine how cushy that thing is!) All we can do is wait and see. But I think I'll just enjoy being home for awhile, wearing my shoes wherever I want to and carrying 20-oz bottles of Purell and needle-nose pliers in my diaper bag!
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
The money pit
We really should have never started working on our house! The floors... that was all we were supposed to tackle, just the floors. Of course when you rip off the trim to put down the floors you realize how screwed up and shabby the trim is (note to self, need new trim). OK, all we need is floors and trim, until we pull the toilet out to tile the bathroom. Eeeww! Note to self, need new toilet! OK, all we need is floors, trim, and a new toilet, that's all we need! Well, if we need to get a new toilet, we should pull out that hideous full length vanity top and the mirror that goes all the way across the wall. Why the mirror? Seems as though those of the male persuasion find it unnerving to have to watch themselves urinate, since I sit, I never noticed this was a problem, who knew? OK, all we need is floors, trim, a toilet, a sink and a mirror and that's all we need! Oh yeah, the utility room is just not functional we need some cabinets for that or at least shelving. OK, all we need is floors, trim, toilet, sink, mirror and cabinets, that's all we need! And paint, the bath and utility walls look so dull with the new tile so we NEED new paint. OK, all we need is floors, trim, toilet, sink, mirror, cabinets and new paint, that's it, that's ALL we need! But we still need to replace the back door since it leaks. OK, all we need is floors, trim, toilet, sink, mirror, cabinets, paint and a back door, that's ALL we need!
Cool, I really think that might be it! Hooray, we're done! Ah shit... now the carpet looks sad!
Cool, I really think that might be it! Hooray, we're done! Ah shit... now the carpet looks sad!
Monday, June 25, 2007
The Segregation of Mother
It starts with my mother wanting me to befriend a friend of hers that has recently moved to town (and vice versa). She thinks since we are both interesting women who have interesting thoughts and ideas about life, we might hit it off. But this woman doesn't think that she and I have anything in common since I am a mother. This led me to think about my situation and it dawned on me that I am pretty much passed over by most people I know because of my role in life. They think I'm fun, they think I have a bit of a wild and crazy streak and they seem to enjoy hanging out with me, but I am the last person on the "list" to get a call to go do something (you know, like the last kid to get picked for the kickball team!). And then I hear that old familiar statement, "Well, maybe you should find other mothers to hang out with, they'll understand your situation better." OK, now I want to start by saying that my mom friends are THE BOMB and I cherish their friendships immensely, but WHY is it that I am only allowed to make friends with other moms? Does the fact that I have progeny make me any less interesting? Does passing a child through the birth canal somehow deplete my brain cells so badly that I all of a sudden have nothing in common with those without children? If I'm not mistaken, I still watch the same shows, I still have many of the same opinions, my sense of humor is even better, I can still dance (giving birth actually did not deform my legs), I still like to shop for shoes, I'm even able to still drive a car and go places (contrary to popular belief), I still read great books, I still sing songs, I am still artistic (maybe even more so as I have MORE inspiration now)... so what's the deal?
Let me guess... "She'll only want to talk about her kids!" Well, I have to admit, I do talk about my children, probably quite a bit. When you are a stay-at-home mom, you are with your kids most of the time, so ALOT of my life does revolve around my children. But let me ask this, what do all of you non-parents talk about most of all? If you don't know, let me give you a hint... YOUR JOB! Well, raising my children IS my job. And what I'd like to know is what about your job is so much more interesting than mine? Do people ever stop to think about that? I guarantee hearing a person babble incessantly about their workplace is about as interesting as folding socks! It seems that people feel I should have to sit and listen to them, so why is it I don't get the same courtesy back? Is it just impossible to find some sort of middle ground, based on mutual respect and a hope of finding something besides work in common?
The other thing I find very strange is that most fathers I know, including my husband, don't really seem to have this issue. I don't remember anyone ever telling my husband that he needed to go find more fathers to hang out with. Why is that? Is it because everyone sees "mother" as the ultimate caregiver, the one who has to make the sacrifices or do people just seem to think that fathers are less likely to discuss the kids at length? Or is it because many fathers also work outside the home, so they technically "have a life"?
Well, just to set the record straight... I DO have a life, since when is raising children not having a life? I seem to remember in days past that raising your children was the sole purpose of most people's lives. I am also still a bright, captivating, young woman with alot to offer in a friendship and if someone is so damn shallow that they can't see past the title of "mother" then it's their loss. But for those of you out there that have been introduced to a nice woman, who happens to be a mother, maybe you should make an effort to get to know her a little better, she may be more intriguing than you think.
Let me guess... "She'll only want to talk about her kids!" Well, I have to admit, I do talk about my children, probably quite a bit. When you are a stay-at-home mom, you are with your kids most of the time, so ALOT of my life does revolve around my children. But let me ask this, what do all of you non-parents talk about most of all? If you don't know, let me give you a hint... YOUR JOB! Well, raising my children IS my job. And what I'd like to know is what about your job is so much more interesting than mine? Do people ever stop to think about that? I guarantee hearing a person babble incessantly about their workplace is about as interesting as folding socks! It seems that people feel I should have to sit and listen to them, so why is it I don't get the same courtesy back? Is it just impossible to find some sort of middle ground, based on mutual respect and a hope of finding something besides work in common?
The other thing I find very strange is that most fathers I know, including my husband, don't really seem to have this issue. I don't remember anyone ever telling my husband that he needed to go find more fathers to hang out with. Why is that? Is it because everyone sees "mother" as the ultimate caregiver, the one who has to make the sacrifices or do people just seem to think that fathers are less likely to discuss the kids at length? Or is it because many fathers also work outside the home, so they technically "have a life"?
Well, just to set the record straight... I DO have a life, since when is raising children not having a life? I seem to remember in days past that raising your children was the sole purpose of most people's lives. I am also still a bright, captivating, young woman with alot to offer in a friendship and if someone is so damn shallow that they can't see past the title of "mother" then it's their loss. But for those of you out there that have been introduced to a nice woman, who happens to be a mother, maybe you should make an effort to get to know her a little better, she may be more intriguing than you think.
I've Been Tagged
Ginny Glasser tagged me! But here's the sad thing, she is the only one I know who blogs in the public domain. All of my other blog friends blog on private spaces about their kiddos. So unfortunately, although I can participate, I can only tag her back or tag my other blog! I need to make more blogger friends!
1. All right, here are the rules.
2. We have to post these rules before
we give you the facts.
3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about
themselves.
4. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about
their eight things and post these rules.
5. At the end of your blog, you
need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
Don't forget
to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your
blog.
Anyway, for anyone who's interested here are my 8...
1. I always thought I was a bad girl, but it turns out I'm really not! All throughout my teenage years I was a party animal with lots of boyfriends, I was destined to be a rockstar (or at the very least a rockstar's girlfriend). I love tattoos, black high-heel boots, heavy metal and punk rock and I have a the worst foul mouth (I could make a trucker or a sailor blush!). And although I had a great time in my wild life, I settled very easily into marriage and motherhood. I've been married for almost 13 years, I have 2 beautiful children (5 and 12 mos) and my life is so much more meaniful and joyful than I could have ever imagined. Sometimes I feel I I've lost a little of what made me "ME", but maybe I didn't lose anything, maybe I just evolved.
2. I like animals more than I like most people.
3. I seem to have the gift of gab. I am one of those people that can never tell a short story. I am ALL about the detail.
4. When I was 3 or 4 I got a HUGE tick in my ear and when my mom pulled it out, she put it in a jar of alcohol and I kept it on my dresser and named it Edward.
5. Although I live in Texas, my soul belongs in Oregon. When I lived there, surrounded by green, flowers, forest, and ocean my heart was full of joy and for the first time in my life I felt honestly and truly like I was home. I miss it!
6. I never wanted to be a mother, my son was a surprise, but I find it odd that the one thing I NEVER wanted to be turned out to be the one thing that I am truly happy with and truly good at.
7. I used to play bass guitar in several bands, in high school I was in the all-girl glam band Shameful Pain, then I moved on to a thrash metal band called Screamer, then I moved to Phoenix where I played in a band called Gutterslut, then in ABQ I dabbled in a punk band we called Coprophagy (go look that one up, it's funny!).
8. I once broke a guy's nose for hitting me!
1. All right, here are the rules.
2. We have to post these rules before
we give you the facts.
3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about
themselves.
4. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about
their eight things and post these rules.
5. At the end of your blog, you
need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
Don't forget
to leave them a comment telling them they're tagged, and to read your
blog.
Anyway, for anyone who's interested here are my 8...
1. I always thought I was a bad girl, but it turns out I'm really not! All throughout my teenage years I was a party animal with lots of boyfriends, I was destined to be a rockstar (or at the very least a rockstar's girlfriend). I love tattoos, black high-heel boots, heavy metal and punk rock and I have a the worst foul mouth (I could make a trucker or a sailor blush!). And although I had a great time in my wild life, I settled very easily into marriage and motherhood. I've been married for almost 13 years, I have 2 beautiful children (5 and 12 mos) and my life is so much more meaniful and joyful than I could have ever imagined. Sometimes I feel I I've lost a little of what made me "ME", but maybe I didn't lose anything, maybe I just evolved.
2. I like animals more than I like most people.
3. I seem to have the gift of gab. I am one of those people that can never tell a short story. I am ALL about the detail.
4. When I was 3 or 4 I got a HUGE tick in my ear and when my mom pulled it out, she put it in a jar of alcohol and I kept it on my dresser and named it Edward.
5. Although I live in Texas, my soul belongs in Oregon. When I lived there, surrounded by green, flowers, forest, and ocean my heart was full of joy and for the first time in my life I felt honestly and truly like I was home. I miss it!
6. I never wanted to be a mother, my son was a surprise, but I find it odd that the one thing I NEVER wanted to be turned out to be the one thing that I am truly happy with and truly good at.
7. I used to play bass guitar in several bands, in high school I was in the all-girl glam band Shameful Pain, then I moved on to a thrash metal band called Screamer, then I moved to Phoenix where I played in a band called Gutterslut, then in ABQ I dabbled in a punk band we called Coprophagy (go look that one up, it's funny!).
8. I once broke a guy's nose for hitting me!
Monday, June 04, 2007
That's crap!
So here's how it starts, we find a big, fat caterpillar at the park. We bring him home, set him up in the butterfly enclosure that we used to raise Painted Ladies last year. Anyway, I decide to do a little research on the care and keeping of caterpillars, after all, I don't want him to meet his ultimate demise in my care. I would be sad and my son would be devastated! While aquiring other tidbits of information I discover that caterpillar poop is called "frass". Actually, upon further research I find that "frass" is the preferred term for bug poop in general, who knew? Is it just me, or does there seem to be a veritable shit-load of words to describe, well shit? I mean there are the obvious ones like feces, dung and excrement. But what about the more specialized terms? Let's see, we have "guano" for bats and birds, yet bird poop is also described as a "dropping" which seems quite accurate if you ask me! Rodents produce pellets and rabbits also produce pellets, but they also produce things called cecotropes, which are reingested by the rabbit. Hello, call me crazy but I'd rather have 4 stomachs and chew cud than to have to eat anything that comes out my arse, but hey, if it works for them, cool. Elephants produce "balls" (approximately 500 lbs worth in a 24-hour period...call me impressed!), worms produce "vermidung", and whales, bears, and Bigfoot (or would that be Bigfeet?) produce "scat". Actually scat is pretty universally used to describe feces of a many animals, I have heard skunk poop referred to as scat and so on. Let's not forget our farmyard friends, we have manure as a general term and bovidung if we want to be polite, but then there are cow pies or patties, meadow muffins and prairie chips or in Scotland they call it "coo plab" and in Newfoundland they call it "cow plates" (are their cows bigger?). Horses in the country make horse apples, but in the city they make "alley apples" (I guess that's what your local police horse leaves behind!). There are "moose berries", "elk duds" and "deer pellets". And I think it is safe to assume that dog poop could technically be referred to as "contact information"! And as much as I might like to go on, I won't even get started on the infinite variety of words and phrases that we humans use to describe our own excrement. Maybe in another blog, in fact, maybe I'll send out a poll to all my friends to find out their favorite terminology. Stay tuned for that!
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
What does that MEAN??
My baby is beginning to eat solid foods and I found these little snack puffs for her to try. They are like cereal, but they dissolve really fast, way faster than Cheerios. Anyway, I was reading the label when I got home and was slightly confused by it. In pretty big letters across the front it states, "Naturally flavored with other natural flavors!" What the hell does that MEAN?!?! I checked the label and these are peach puffs and believe it or not...flavored with peach juice. So what are the other "natural flavors"?? Is there something I don't know about flavoring? Are flavors like paint, you mix several in order to get "other flavors"? For instance, to get banana flavor, do you need to mix peach, kiwi and coconut flavors? What about strawberry? Does that take cherry, raspberry and peach? I would just think that strawberry flavor would be accomplished most easily by adding, I don't know, strawberry?!? I've yet to figure out the other natural flavors in this particular type. I kinda figure if I can't pronounce it, it probably ain't "natural". So the mystery remains!
Friday, May 04, 2007
Over-tired and Bummed!
I'm sitting here at the computer, a little depressed, wondering where I really want to go with this entry. I just feel like maybe if I type awhile, I'll figure out what's bothering me! Maybe not. But first, I think I have to embark on a cup of tea with sugar and milk before I commence...
OK, where to begin, my baby, my lack of "self", or my loneliness? I guess it really doesn't matter. They all feed off of one another. The baby went on a horrible nursing strike last week. It was three days of hell. A screaming, crying, angry child, refusing the one thing that comforts. Good news, the strike did end, she is nursing again and for a couple of days, Mommy, baby and boobies were all happy and content. In fact, for about 3 days after the strike she was my dream baby! She was snuggly and loveable, with very little crying. It seemed as though that strike coincided with some sort of developmental milestone. Wrong! She has been a terror all week. Endless crying, and not sick or hurt crying, just that bitchy, whiny crying. She doesn't want to be picked up, but she certainly doesn't want to be set down. The only time I have any peace in this house is when she sleeps! I am beginning to think there is something wrong with her. Some sort of chemical imbalance in her brain that won't allow her to be calm and happy. She does better when we are out. New things to see, friends that pass her around so she has new faces to look at. And it breaks my heart to see her so happy and enchanted with other people, and then as soon as she comes back to me...crying. I try not to take it personally, but it's hard. It's hard to know that EVERYONE else on the planet can make her happy but me. I love her so much! I tell her I love her, I kiss her, I hug her, I try to play with her and within moments of ANY interaction there are tears! All I know is unhappy baby, leads to unhappy Mommy and the entire household suffers for it. This morning she went on a bender and my son was trying to talk to me while she was wailing and I honestly just wish I could have disappeared. Instead I yelled for everyone just to "SHUT UP!!!" Which relieved tension for a brief second but when I looked over and saw my 5 y.o. crying at the table I realized that little snap in judgement broke my little boy's heart! And that makes me feel like the world's crappiest Mom!
But what about the loss of me? I've been losing the "me" for years. However, I was beginning to see ways to bring it back before the baby was born. But that's out the window now. I don't blame her, it was inevitable. It is very hard to focus on yourself when you have one child, but it is all but impossible when you have two. I can't imagine life with 3 or 4! Now I know alot of women who have the money to pay for sitters and manage to make time for themselves, but that isn't my case. Sitters are a luxury. And I'll be honest, I do on occasion have the opportunity to go have an evening out, BUT when the time comes I am so tired, so frustrated and so overwhelmed that the last thing I want to do is go out or see people! I am considering getting a part-time job. We could use the money and I could use some time with other people. My entire existence revolves around a 5 y.o. and a 10 mo. old. I also realize that if I sucked it up and put my son in school, I'd have a lighter load during the day. But he is doing so well with his homeschooling and I can't justify putting my needs over his. Homeschooling is hard, but it IS working, he IS thriving and to be honest, it is the one thing I can take credit for and feel proud of right now. He is so smart and he is hungry for knowledge and I'm happy to feed that. I would sacrifice just about anything to continue that love of learning in him!
As far as the loneliness, I guess every stay-at-home mom experiences this. Your husband is at work all day while you are home cleaning house and caring for rugrats. Mine has been crazy at his job for awhile. Long hours, business trips and all that jazz. And he is lucky enough to have an outlet with his band. Something that gives him joy and satisfaction, which I wouldn't take away for the world. But I do feel lonely alot. For instance, we were going to host the De La Hoya vs. Mayweather fight (we LOVE boxing!). This was a great thing, invite friends over, BBQ, drink some beer, watch the fight and I would be able to put my crabby baby to bed at 8:30p in her own bed. So in other words, I could have actually participated in the festivities. Well with one thing or another, it was determined that someone else had actually decided they wanted to host the fight. So now, with lack of a babysitter (she's having back surgery) I will yet again be left at home with children while everyone else gets to hang out and have fun. I am sick to death of always being the one left behind!
I know in my head that I can't really complain, I opted to have the children, therefore, it IS my ultimate responsibility to care for them. I know this! But, I am just tired, tired to the bone. I want a change. I don't know if I need a job, a hobby (like that's possible with a 10 mo. old!), if I need to give it up and put my kid in school, or hell for that matter, get a full-time job and put one in school and the other in daycare. I don't know the answer here, but I just know that SOMETHING needs to change. Those occasional giggles and the elusive smile from that baby girl are heart-warming, but it only lasts for a second and I'm back in the same boat again. It's like giving a peanut to a starving man twice a day, you know?
Well, I hate to be a bummer, but sometimes I just need to vent. I still feel like shit, but at least I understand why I'm not all chipper and perky today. Maybe having my garage sale tomorrow and selling a bunch of useless crap will make me feel better. My son is going to spend the day with his uncle and cousins, now if I could just hornswaggle someone into taking that baby girl for the day! I keep hoping I'll luck out like my Mom and have someone call me and tell me that they are taking me on a trip for 2 weeks without children... (OK, cue dreamy fog) I can see it now, a tropical beach, umbrellas, warm, crystal blue water, wait a minute--someone's delivering a fruity, icy beverage with fruit and umbrellas sticking out of the top, I have my toes in the sand, all I can hear is the waves and the sea gulls, and occasionally (when the breeze shifts) I can hear the sounds of a guitar or maybe it's a ukelele playing in the distance. There's no crying baby, no singing boy, just nature and music. My heart is happy as I know my children are safe with family and I can relax, knowing that they are fine and I don't have to be the one to jump at a moments notice. I am enjoying myself immensely and like a crazy person, missing those two little twerps and counting the minutes until I get back to them. But for now...I breathe, I rest and I rejuvenate.
Holy shit...that sounds awesome! I should start a company that offers amazing vacation packages for over-worked moms! A "Mommy's Only" Resort! Affordable, yet relaxing, and all inclusive. No kids allowed!
OK, where to begin, my baby, my lack of "self", or my loneliness? I guess it really doesn't matter. They all feed off of one another. The baby went on a horrible nursing strike last week. It was three days of hell. A screaming, crying, angry child, refusing the one thing that comforts. Good news, the strike did end, she is nursing again and for a couple of days, Mommy, baby and boobies were all happy and content. In fact, for about 3 days after the strike she was my dream baby! She was snuggly and loveable, with very little crying. It seemed as though that strike coincided with some sort of developmental milestone. Wrong! She has been a terror all week. Endless crying, and not sick or hurt crying, just that bitchy, whiny crying. She doesn't want to be picked up, but she certainly doesn't want to be set down. The only time I have any peace in this house is when she sleeps! I am beginning to think there is something wrong with her. Some sort of chemical imbalance in her brain that won't allow her to be calm and happy. She does better when we are out. New things to see, friends that pass her around so she has new faces to look at. And it breaks my heart to see her so happy and enchanted with other people, and then as soon as she comes back to me...crying. I try not to take it personally, but it's hard. It's hard to know that EVERYONE else on the planet can make her happy but me. I love her so much! I tell her I love her, I kiss her, I hug her, I try to play with her and within moments of ANY interaction there are tears! All I know is unhappy baby, leads to unhappy Mommy and the entire household suffers for it. This morning she went on a bender and my son was trying to talk to me while she was wailing and I honestly just wish I could have disappeared. Instead I yelled for everyone just to "SHUT UP!!!" Which relieved tension for a brief second but when I looked over and saw my 5 y.o. crying at the table I realized that little snap in judgement broke my little boy's heart! And that makes me feel like the world's crappiest Mom!
But what about the loss of me? I've been losing the "me" for years. However, I was beginning to see ways to bring it back before the baby was born. But that's out the window now. I don't blame her, it was inevitable. It is very hard to focus on yourself when you have one child, but it is all but impossible when you have two. I can't imagine life with 3 or 4! Now I know alot of women who have the money to pay for sitters and manage to make time for themselves, but that isn't my case. Sitters are a luxury. And I'll be honest, I do on occasion have the opportunity to go have an evening out, BUT when the time comes I am so tired, so frustrated and so overwhelmed that the last thing I want to do is go out or see people! I am considering getting a part-time job. We could use the money and I could use some time with other people. My entire existence revolves around a 5 y.o. and a 10 mo. old. I also realize that if I sucked it up and put my son in school, I'd have a lighter load during the day. But he is doing so well with his homeschooling and I can't justify putting my needs over his. Homeschooling is hard, but it IS working, he IS thriving and to be honest, it is the one thing I can take credit for and feel proud of right now. He is so smart and he is hungry for knowledge and I'm happy to feed that. I would sacrifice just about anything to continue that love of learning in him!
As far as the loneliness, I guess every stay-at-home mom experiences this. Your husband is at work all day while you are home cleaning house and caring for rugrats. Mine has been crazy at his job for awhile. Long hours, business trips and all that jazz. And he is lucky enough to have an outlet with his band. Something that gives him joy and satisfaction, which I wouldn't take away for the world. But I do feel lonely alot. For instance, we were going to host the De La Hoya vs. Mayweather fight (we LOVE boxing!). This was a great thing, invite friends over, BBQ, drink some beer, watch the fight and I would be able to put my crabby baby to bed at 8:30p in her own bed. So in other words, I could have actually participated in the festivities. Well with one thing or another, it was determined that someone else had actually decided they wanted to host the fight. So now, with lack of a babysitter (she's having back surgery) I will yet again be left at home with children while everyone else gets to hang out and have fun. I am sick to death of always being the one left behind!
I know in my head that I can't really complain, I opted to have the children, therefore, it IS my ultimate responsibility to care for them. I know this! But, I am just tired, tired to the bone. I want a change. I don't know if I need a job, a hobby (like that's possible with a 10 mo. old!), if I need to give it up and put my kid in school, or hell for that matter, get a full-time job and put one in school and the other in daycare. I don't know the answer here, but I just know that SOMETHING needs to change. Those occasional giggles and the elusive smile from that baby girl are heart-warming, but it only lasts for a second and I'm back in the same boat again. It's like giving a peanut to a starving man twice a day, you know?
Well, I hate to be a bummer, but sometimes I just need to vent. I still feel like shit, but at least I understand why I'm not all chipper and perky today. Maybe having my garage sale tomorrow and selling a bunch of useless crap will make me feel better. My son is going to spend the day with his uncle and cousins, now if I could just hornswaggle someone into taking that baby girl for the day! I keep hoping I'll luck out like my Mom and have someone call me and tell me that they are taking me on a trip for 2 weeks without children... (OK, cue dreamy fog) I can see it now, a tropical beach, umbrellas, warm, crystal blue water, wait a minute--someone's delivering a fruity, icy beverage with fruit and umbrellas sticking out of the top, I have my toes in the sand, all I can hear is the waves and the sea gulls, and occasionally (when the breeze shifts) I can hear the sounds of a guitar or maybe it's a ukelele playing in the distance. There's no crying baby, no singing boy, just nature and music. My heart is happy as I know my children are safe with family and I can relax, knowing that they are fine and I don't have to be the one to jump at a moments notice. I am enjoying myself immensely and like a crazy person, missing those two little twerps and counting the minutes until I get back to them. But for now...I breathe, I rest and I rejuvenate.
Holy shit...that sounds awesome! I should start a company that offers amazing vacation packages for over-worked moms! A "Mommy's Only" Resort! Affordable, yet relaxing, and all inclusive. No kids allowed!
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