Heathens of Suburbia

So, if any of my neighbors pay any sort of attention to what goes on at our dwelling, they are probably convinced that we are total heathens (which probably isn't too far from the truth). I have hex ball that hangs in the window over my black front door, when I moved into my home and got my new car (which was actually used) I smudged them with sage in the Native American tradition. Last year before my good friend moved to Minnesota she dropped by in a big rush to give me a picture frame with an image of the Chinese kitchen god that she asked me to hang in my kitchen. I was supposed to hang him up and ask him to watch over my home. When the Chinese New Year hit I was to pull him out of the frame, rub honey on his lips (so he would go up to whatever higher god there is and tell it sweet things about us) and just as an extra measure, you dip him in alcohol so he's a little loaded and happy when he arrives to his destination! So here I was on a wind advisory day in a dry ass backyard, smearing honey on his lips and dipping him in Sailor Jerry's spiced rum and catching him on fire. The damn wind kept blowing him out, then it would catch a piece and blow it onto the dry grass where I'd have to run and stomp it out! Anyway, he was sent off in not so fine fashion, hope he was drunk enough not to notice! :-) Then as if all that weren't enough to have us labeled, we had the windows wide open the last couple of nights as the hubby has been having some ringing in his ears so we decided to candle them and clear them out. So picture him sitting on a stool in the bathroom with a long, burning candle sticking out of his ear! The smoke was awful so we had to open windows to ensure that the smoke alarm wouldn't go off and wake the baby! The Monkey Man was actually a little weirded out by the whole ear candle thing, he wanted to know why I was burning Daddy's ears, so I told him it was because Daddy doesn't listen to me! I think he is still a little unnerved by that little revelation! Anyway, I suppose I need to finish off my ecclectic heathinistic household by finding a horseshoe to hang over the back door, a four leaf clover to wear around my neck and a nice little black cat. Then hopefully I will have sufficiently covered my karmic ass on most levels!