Over-tired and Bummed!

I'm sitting here at the computer, a little depressed, wondering where I really want to go with this entry. I just feel like maybe if I type awhile, I'll figure out what's bothering me! Maybe not. But first, I think I have to embark on a cup of tea with sugar and milk before I commence...

OK, where to begin, my baby, my lack of "self", or my loneliness? I guess it really doesn't matter. They all feed off of one another. The baby went on a horrible nursing strike last week. It was three days of hell. A screaming, crying, angry child, refusing the one thing that comforts. Good news, the strike did end, she is nursing again and for a couple of days, Mommy, baby and boobies were all happy and content. In fact, for about 3 days after the strike she was my dream baby! She was snuggly and loveable, with very little crying. It seemed as though that strike coincided with some sort of developmental milestone. Wrong! She has been a terror all week. Endless crying, and not sick or hurt crying, just that bitchy, whiny crying. She doesn't want to be picked up, but she certainly doesn't want to be set down. The only time I have any peace in this house is when she sleeps! I am beginning to think there is something wrong with her. Some sort of chemical imbalance in her brain that won't allow her to be calm and happy. She does better when we are out. New things to see, friends that pass her around so she has new faces to look at. And it breaks my heart to see her so happy and enchanted with other people, and then as soon as she comes back to me...crying. I try not to take it personally, but it's hard. It's hard to know that EVERYONE else on the planet can make her happy but me. I love her so much! I tell her I love her, I kiss her, I hug her, I try to play with her and within moments of ANY interaction there are tears! All I know is unhappy baby, leads to unhappy Mommy and the entire household suffers for it. This morning she went on a bender and my son was trying to talk to me while she was wailing and I honestly just wish I could have disappeared. Instead I yelled for everyone just to "SHUT UP!!!" Which relieved tension for a brief second but when I looked over and saw my 5 y.o. crying at the table I realized that little snap in judgement broke my little boy's heart! And that makes me feel like the world's crappiest Mom!

But what about the loss of me? I've been losing the "me" for years. However, I was beginning to see ways to bring it back before the baby was born. But that's out the window now. I don't blame her, it was inevitable. It is very hard to focus on yourself when you have one child, but it is all but impossible when you have two. I can't imagine life with 3 or 4! Now I know alot of women who have the money to pay for sitters and manage to make time for themselves, but that isn't my case. Sitters are a luxury. And I'll be honest, I do on occasion have the opportunity to go have an evening out, BUT when the time comes I am so tired, so frustrated and so overwhelmed that the last thing I want to do is go out or see people! I am considering getting a part-time job. We could use the money and I could use some time with other people. My entire existence revolves around a 5 y.o. and a 10 mo. old. I also realize that if I sucked it up and put my son in school, I'd have a lighter load during the day. But he is doing so well with his homeschooling and I can't justify putting my needs over his. Homeschooling is hard, but it IS working, he IS thriving and to be honest, it is the one thing I can take credit for and feel proud of right now. He is so smart and he is hungry for knowledge and I'm happy to feed that. I would sacrifice just about anything to continue that love of learning in him!

As far as the loneliness, I guess every stay-at-home mom experiences this. Your husband is at work all day while you are home cleaning house and caring for rugrats. Mine has been crazy at his job for awhile. Long hours, business trips and all that jazz. And he is lucky enough to have an outlet with his band. Something that gives him joy and satisfaction, which I wouldn't take away for the world. But I do feel lonely alot. For instance, we were going to host the De La Hoya vs. Mayweather fight (we LOVE boxing!). This was a great thing, invite friends over, BBQ, drink some beer, watch the fight and I would be able to put my crabby baby to bed at 8:30p in her own bed. So in other words, I could have actually participated in the festivities. Well with one thing or another, it was determined that someone else had actually decided they wanted to host the fight. So now, with lack of a babysitter (she's having back surgery) I will yet again be left at home with children while everyone else gets to hang out and have fun. I am sick to death of always being the one left behind!

I know in my head that I can't really complain, I opted to have the children, therefore, it IS my ultimate responsibility to care for them. I know this! But, I am just tired, tired to the bone. I want a change. I don't know if I need a job, a hobby (like that's possible with a 10 mo. old!), if I need to give it up and put my kid in school, or hell for that matter, get a full-time job and put one in school and the other in daycare. I don't know the answer here, but I just know that SOMETHING needs to change. Those occasional giggles and the elusive smile from that baby girl are heart-warming, but it only lasts for a second and I'm back in the same boat again. It's like giving a peanut to a starving man twice a day, you know?

Well, I hate to be a bummer, but sometimes I just need to vent. I still feel like shit, but at least I understand why I'm not all chipper and perky today. Maybe having my garage sale tomorrow and selling a bunch of useless crap will make me feel better. My son is going to spend the day with his uncle and cousins, now if I could just hornswaggle someone into taking that baby girl for the day! I keep hoping I'll luck out like my Mom and have someone call me and tell me that they are taking me on a trip for 2 weeks without children... (OK, cue dreamy fog) I can see it now, a tropical beach, umbrellas, warm, crystal blue water, wait a minute--someone's delivering a fruity, icy beverage with fruit and umbrellas sticking out of the top, I have my toes in the sand, all I can hear is the waves and the sea gulls, and occasionally (when the breeze shifts) I can hear the sounds of a guitar or maybe it's a ukelele playing in the distance. There's no crying baby, no singing boy, just nature and music. My heart is happy as I know my children are safe with family and I can relax, knowing that they are fine and I don't have to be the one to jump at a moments notice. I am enjoying myself immensely and like a crazy person, missing those two little twerps and counting the minutes until I get back to them. But for now...I breathe, I rest and I rejuvenate.

Holy shit...that sounds awesome! I should start a company that offers amazing vacation packages for over-worked moms! A "Mommy's Only" Resort! Affordable, yet relaxing, and all inclusive. No kids allowed!