The problem with my mortality.

Have you ever had one of those instances when you narrowly escaped being creamed by a semi or you witness a car crash that happens 3 seconds after you clear the intersection?? Or maybe if you've had someone close to you die young for stupid reasons? All of those things have the tendency to snap your attention to your own life, your own mortality. I had one of those instances yesterday.

My son was in the kitchen doing his reading lesson for the day, my baby was asleep upstairs and I had come in to check my e-mail. I had been having a continuous pain in my chest for a couple of hours, but assumed it was just one of those lung catch things, you know, when you have to take a deep breath in order to pop that lung off the rib cage? Anyway, when I sat down to the computer I all of a sudden felt pain, tightness in the chest, dizziness and when I went to stand up, I was on the verge of unconsciousness. I had a very distinct feeling that I was dying alone in my house with my children. I did manage to get up, I did manage to get help and things are fine, but my uneasiness still remains. They were unable to tell me what the problem was in the ER, so I have no idea if this will happen again or if it was an isolated incident. Either way though, I was slapped in the face with my own mortality, BIG TIME!

All I can remember thinking is, "I CANNOT die, not with two small children!" And I have been a basket case ever since. I know that we will all die. I try not to think about it, but I know it's the case. What I don't like, is this sense of foreboding. The fear that I will just keel over and leave my children without a mother. Some horrible cosmic joke where I get everything I could have ever wanted (we're not talking money here, we're talking the two most amazing children, a truly wonderful husband, a supportive family, and even a big, dumb dog) only to die and leave all I ever dreamt of behind. Now I know there is the argument of salvation and everlasting happiness in heaven, but the thought of leaving my children motherless, not being able to watch them grow up, not being able to meet my grandchildren, I honestly have to say that it is hard for me to imagine that everlasting happiness is possible when everything I love is here. I will be the first to admit, I am not the most devout person in the world, in fact when it comes to religion, I question a great many things. I was raised in the age of science and it is hard for me to not question everything. I truly HOPE there is an afterlife, I HOPE that we are reunited with our loved ones and I HOPE there is eternal joy and happiness after you die. But I would give it all up to look, even one more time, into the eyes of my beautiful baby to see the unconditional love and trust that she has for me. To be able to hold and kiss my son when he has accomplished something great or when he has fallen down and skinned his knee. To hear my baby say "Mama" and "Dada" or to watch my son learn how to ride his bike or read his favorite book. Even the most ridiculous things like seeing the crooked, little smile my son gets when he's nervous, or the high-pitched squealing noises he makes while sliding down the slide at the park. Or what about the look of surprise when you play peek-a-boo with the baby, the smell of her hair after a bath, the stinky face she makes when you feed her zucchini? Not to mention watching my hubby rough-house with the boy or seeing him sit the baby on the bathroom counter so he can make faces in the mirror with her.

The problem is...I HAVE found heaven on earth, and it scares the hell out of me to think about not having it anymore!